Nurturing Commitment

I went to Captain and Mrs. Isaac Shield's wedding last weekend, and it brought to mind all of the ideas of romance, friendship, and life-long commitment. Commitment is always high on a couple's wedding day but it can wane over time. How can we keep that spark alive after the 1-2 year honeymoon period is over?

At a one of my first marriage workshops, I asked participants to draw a picture of what marriage meant to them. I gave them examples, such as a garden that was beautiful when nurtured, and a computer, which enriches your life but is easy to mess up if you don't maintain it. My future brother-in-law was in the class and he jokingly said, "How do you draw a deep, dark pit of despair?" His then-fiance, my current sister-in-law Melissa, had drawn a picture of a hot air balloon surrounded by blue skies and a few beautiful clouds. She said that marriage was going to be blissful, wonderful, and romantic. Their responses bring up two issues: commitment and expectations. Both are discussed in Forever. For Real. workshops all over the state.

When couples divorce, the two most cited reasons include communication and commitment. Communication is a skill that can be taught, but commitment is another issue. It's an attitude, a feeling. Commitment is an issue that not only relates to our intimate relationships, but also our work ethic, our decision making skills, and our involvement in our communities. How can we change our culture so that commitment is the standard and not an exception? More importantly, how can we nurture the attitude of commitment in our homes and in our lives? Note that I am not stating that people in physically or emotionally abusive marriages should stay together by any means. Physical and emotional safety comes first. Call the Reachout Hotline at 1-800-522-9054 for immediate help. Still, I want to encourage couples who are considering divorce because of "boredom" or "falling out of love(?)" to stick it out over the long haul and nurture commitment in their relationship.

Commitment is associated with loyalty, dedication, and in relationships, sticking together when times get tough. It's tied to the values of forgiveness, optimism, and looking for the best in people. It's also about restructuring and putting effort and energy into making things right when things go horribly wrong. It's about handling this as a team and working together to get the relationship back on track. And as my brother-in-law alluded to, commitment is also tied to feeling trapped and making a choice to give up all other choices. Most of us have heard our girlfriends talk about guys with "commitment issues," and we know exactly what they mean.

Hopefully, we stay committed to our partners for reasons of love, dedication, and loyalty, but after many years together, sometimes the negative has eroded the positive so much that the social constraints of worrying about the children, finances, and personal moral reasons are the only things that keep us together. Not to worry: Over time the positives begin to outweigh the negatives again. Marital satisfaction increases and in general, couples that are unhappy right now will be happy together five years from now if they stick together and ride out the tough times. Distraught workshop attendees have said to me, "I want it to work, but I'm not in love with him anymore. My children...I don't want to hurt them."

Here are some tips to nurture the attitude of commitment in your relationships when things get a little rocky:

1. Make a list of your complaints. (It seems counter-intuitive but trust me, it works for you in the next step.)
   
2. Find a counterexample for every complaint on your list.
3. Make a list of all of the positive things about your partner including qualities and behaviors, and what he or she has added to your relationship and your life.
4. Make a list of ways that you can show your partner you care and do one of them -- whether you feel like doing it or not. This loving action will most likely lead to a cycle. Loving action plants the seeds for more loving action.

Remember: the grass isn't always greener on the other side. You can't possibly see all of the negatives about your alternatives from where you sit today. It is unfair to expect your partner to live up to an unattainable standard from the past or present or the impossible future you envision with someone else.

Forgive and be forgiven. Remembering that you are not perfect, forgive others for minor mistakes and imperfections, forgive yourself for yours, and then move past them.

For those who you are well on the side of positive commitment, bravo! Continue to nurture commitment and positive aspects of your relationship by showing your partner that you care in the ways that mean most to him or her.

For more on commitment and other issues such as forgiveness, communication warning signs, and relationship ground rules, sign up for a free Forever. For Real. workshop today.

Because marriage now comes with instructions.