Expectations

Satisfaction - When Reality Exceeds Your Expectations

I was once asked in a pageant interview "What do you believe is the greatest challenge facing married couples today?" I said, "Communicating and meeting expectations. Unmet expectations lead to disappointment, and when expectations are high (like those behaviors and attitudes we expect of our spouses), big disappointments lead to divorce." Most people say that communication and commitment are the reason marriages fail, but I would say that the leading cause of divorce is unmet expectations.

Expectations include wishes for our future or what we expect from each other. They determine our happiness. Our disappointments are measurements of unmet expectations. Now, am I saying that you should lower your expectations as much as possible so that they are easier to meet? Not in the least! I think we have a right and a responsibility to choose, and I especially encourage young people to choose, their romantic partners and future spouses based on specific criteria that you want in a mate, rather than sliding into a relationship because it's comfortable, or because you think "he/she's the best I can do." There is so much more I can say about this, and I probably will say a lot more in another blog. For now, let's just say that I am not telling you to lower any realistic expectations you have of your partner.

The most important thing is that we understand what our expectations actually are, they are communicated clearly with our partner, and both people make the effort to meet those expectations which are known to be realistic. In sum, we have to do our part, both in understanding and communicating our own expectations and in trying our best to meet our partners' needs.

Last time, I talked about my sister-in-law Melissa. When asked to draw a picture of what marriage meant to her during her pre-marriage relationship class, she drew a picture of a hot air balloon, floating in the clouds. She talked about marriage being happiness and bliss. Many engaged couples come to my relationship workshops thinking, "Divorce might happen to other people, but it will never happen to us. We're going to be blissfully infatuated with each other forever!" Can you see the foundation being laid for unmet expectations? Others have expectations associated with the different gender roles, their background, the culture, their families, and their past relationships. I know one man who spoke about wanting to get married because in that case he would never have to do the dishes again! Thank goodness that was not my husband, because that would be an unrealistic expectation for him and for us. Some expectations are realistic, but not communicated. Often we have expectations from our upbringing that we are completely unaware of.

Here are some examples:

• My partner is going to be my everyone and everything - meeting all of my needs.
• Marriage is boring and dreadful, and this means I'm going to be on a leash for the rest of my life.
  
• We'll always have sex on our anniversary.
• Once we have children, I'm going to be a stay-at-home mom.
• My partner is going to attend church with me every Sunday.
• We're going to raise our children as according to Jewish tradition.
• We'll eat dinner together after work every night, and talk about our days at work/home/etc.
• We will always live in New Jersey.
• My wife will be in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant.
• Women and men are equals in every way, and all tasks will be assigned with this in mind.
• Everyone will pitch in until the work gets done.
• The woman controls the household budget.

I'm making an assumption here, but you probably read that list and thought some of those were ridiculous, while others were perfectly realistic. I want to make the point that what is a realistic expectation and what is not is based entirely on the two people involved. Since our expectations come from our culture, our society, our families of origin, and the media, expectations are going to be different from person to person, and whether or not an expectation is realistic is different from person to person and couple to couple.

It is most important that we

• Understand our own expectations.

Explore a little. You might have some expectations you are not aware of. For example, I was unaware that when we first got married, I expected my husband to come home and have dinner with me every night after work until I really explored how I felt. Before this, when he came home later than I expected, I was mildly disappointed that I had to eat dinner alone, but for the longest time, I didn't even realize why I was so disappointed. Explore your expectations about the big issues (money, children, sex, etc.) but also about the day-to-day issues.

• Communicate all of your expectations, even those that are unrealistic given your partner and your current circumstances.

After communicating about the expectation above, Bobby and I now make sure to keep each other informed of our dinner plans. Sometimes I still eat alone because he has to work late, but now I can plan for it and possibly get some work done myself. It was only through exploring the issue and communicating about it that I was able to understand my own disappointment. Once I was aware of my own expectation, the disappointment over the issue faded entirely.

As an example of an unrealistic expectation for Bobby and me, I have always wished that I would have the option to stay home with our children once we have them, but I know that that may not be realistic. I don't expect to be a stay-at-home mom, but I hope for it for some small time in my life. That counts as an expectation too, because it can lead to disappointment.

Speak up about your known expectations. Let's say you want to go out on a certain night. There is nothing wrong with that expectation. It's realistic and you're aware of it. Your partner may even like the idea or feel the same way. If you say nothing, you're much more likely to be disappointed than if you communicate what you wish would happen. Mind-readers need not apply! Believing "He should know what I want," is foolish. You are expecting your spouse to be a mind-reader, and that is a perfect example of an unrealistic expectation.

• Try your best to meet your partners' expectations.
  

Beliefs, Assumptions, and Expectations

Unfortunately, we psychologically tie many ideas to our expectations. Have you ever heard someone say, "If he really loved me, he'd..." or "If she truly respected me and appreciated me, she'd...". It is human (albeit illogical) to assume that if the second half of the sentences above is not satisfied that we have found evidence of being uncared for, disrespected, unappreciated, etc. In all honesty, this is generalizable to all relationships. We all want acceptance, especially in those relationships that leave us most vulnerable. Our expectations can lead to disappointments, but of course they don't have to lead to disappointment if we are clear and untie them from other beliefs about our partners' opinion of us.

Here are some examples:

• If she really loved me, she'd refill the orange juice container.
• If he had any respect for my opinion, he'd put the laundry detergent in the washer before he puts the clothes in the washer.
• When he makes an ultimatum, he's just trying to control me.
• If he cared for me, he'd spend more time with me than his video game.
• If she appreciated me, she'd give me more thoughtful gifts.
  
• If she really cared for me, we'd make love more often.
• If he really cared about our relationship, he'd stay up and talk this out with me.
• If she really cared about our relationship, she'd stop bringing up all of these "issues" (and starting fights with me.)
• If he really cared about me, he'd work on my car immediately when it started acting up, rather than waiting a week.
  

When these expectations are not met, people come to conclusions that are shocking. They come to the conclusion that their spouse doesn't care for them, respect them, admire them, or appreciate them. They jump to conclusions about their partners' motivation. You may have read the book The Five Love Languages. Often unmet expectations are tied to these love languages. "If he loved me, he'd touch me more." "If she loved me, she'd say nicer things about me in public places." "If he loved me, he'd do what I asked him to do." Often the reality is that two people are saying "I love you", but in entirely different languages!

This is why it is so important that our communication with each other is clear. We must give our partners the chance to say, "Of course I care about you." We must communicate our expectations so our partners understand us and can make an effort to meet them. We must do our best to show our partners they are loved in the language that works best for them -- not necessarily in the language which is most comfortable for us.

There are many categories of expectations that should be discussed for a healthy relationship, including expectations regarding home and work, individuality and "we-ness", romance, child rearing, finances, religion and values, and sex. In the Forever. For Real. course, we discuss expectations and the various areas in which we have them in much more detail. Click in the yellow words above to find a free course near you, and remember that engaged couples can save $45 on their marriage licenses by attending.

I hope your relationships are happy and healthy, and may God bless you, your marriage, and your family!