I have heard so many parents say, "We fight so much that if we divorce, the kids will be much better off." Unfortunately, that may not be the case. People want to know, "Is it better to stay together for the children?" Although this is posed as a yes or no question, we have to qualify the answer if we are going to answer honestly.First of all, I have to admit that I am biased toward marriage. If a relationship is not verbally or physically abusive, I believe that even relationships damaged by nasty words and reprehensible actions can be repaired if the will is there on both sides.
On Abusive Relationships
That being said, I would never encourage a person in an abusive relationship to stay in an abusive relationship. GET OUT. As soon as you can. If you know someone who is struggling to leave an abusive relationship, consider using some of these national resources:
*SAFELINE: a national domestic violence helpline 1-800-522-7233
*SUBSTANCE ABUSE & MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES ADMINISTRATION: a national website with links for help with substance abuse and mental health services
http://www.samhsa.gov/aboutsamhsa/contacts.aspx
*Substance abuse helpline: provides referrals for substance abuse treatment 1-800-622-HELP
*National Hopeline Network: A national hotline for suicide prevention 1-800-SUICIDE
There is no shame in leaving a relationship because of problems with aggression and violence. The bottom line is that you need to do what is necessary to ensure that you and your children are safe. Call 911 if you are in immediate danger.
In Tulsa, call DVIS, Domestic Violence Intervention Services Crisis line at 918.7HELPME.
Should We Stay Together for the Kids?
Keeping this question in mind, let's consider the outcomes for children of divorce.
Some psychologists believe that children suffer no more after divorce than they do on average, while other psychologists believe that all children suffer lasting consequences due to divorce, even children from divorces that were handled extremely well by the parents. However, most scientists agree that is the level of conflict in the home that makes the largest difference in outcomes for children after divorce. Let's look at four possibilities:
*Low conflict marriage to low conflict post-divorce parenting
*Low conflict marriage to high conflict post-divorce parenting
*High conflict marriage to low conflict post-divorce parenting
*High conflict marriage to high conflict post-divorce parenting
In this section, I am only considering the effects of divorce on the children, not the divorcing adults. Only you can decide what is best for both you and your kids.
1. Low conflict marriage to low conflict post-divorce parenting:
All divorce is painful. Even in homes where conflict was minimal before divorce and parents are excellent co-parents post divorce, children still experience the pain of the loss of their intact family. Ultimately, in this case, it is better for the children if the parents stay together. Children fare better in the intact marriage than in the post-divorce home with the same low level of parental conflict. When conflict is low, it doesn't seem to bother the children that their parents aren't romantically in love anymore. Most low conflict marriages that end in divorce become low-conflict post divorce families.
In this case, I highly recommend the couple work at staying together. You fell in love once, and with good reason. With hard work, a forgiving heart, and an open mind, you can learn to improve communication and nurture the positive aspects of your relationship. With less conflict, there is often less damage. You can rebuild a new marriage together.
2. Low conflict marriage to high conflict post-divorce parenting:
This is obviously worse for the children. This happens when married couples, who previously had reason to be civil, no longer feel the need to be civil and instead act out their frustration toward each other in front of their children. This is the least common of the four possibilities but is obviously damaging when it happens. In this case, it would have been better for the children had you stayed together unhappily in a low conflict home than to subject the children to the transition of divorce and an increase in parental conflict.
3. High conflict marriage to low conflict post-divorce parenting:
Children can benefit greatly from this scenario. Although divorce is still painful, seeing the parents resolve their differences in a healthy way and often establish healthier, happier relationships with each other and with new romantic partners is good for children. Unfortunately, many high conflict marriages that end in divorce do not result in low-conflict post divorce families.
4. High conflict marriage to high conflict post-divorce parenting:
This is the most damaging situation. Where pre-divorce fighting was the norm, the children now experience post-divorce conflict. Like possibility #1, often, conflict between the parents escalates as the parents have no reason (other than the children) to attempt to be civil. The children lose their intact family. The in-fighting that caused the divorce gets worse. Children feel more alone and insecure than ever, as they witness their parents tearing each other down often while putting the children in the middle. This can last for years, even as long as a decade in some cases. Children are affected by their parents' inability to get along long after their 18th birthday.
What to do...
First of all, I can't answer this question for you. But I can offer you questions that may help you make your decision. Considering these realities, it would seem that the best course of action depends on the state of the marriage. If you are considering divorce, do you have a high-conflict marriage or a low-conflict marriage? In either case, can you learn to repair the damage? Are you willing to? If you are in a high-conflict marriage, will conflict decrease or increase after divorce? Please be honest with yourself here. If you are both mature enough to divorce while agreeing to continue to do what is best for your children, ending a high conflict marriage in favor of a low conflict post divorce family is best for the kids. Although divorce is always painful, the decrease in conflict and the healthy relationships that will replace the previously unhappy marriage will be good for your children. Still, the individuals involved will need to work on their communication skills for future relationships. Otherwise, you risk the chance of repeating your mistakes, and having your children experience this painful transition in painful divorce after painful divorce. If divorce leads to healthier relationships down the road and less conflict, your children will fare better. If divorce leads to more conflict, your children will fare better in the intact home.
As I write this, I wonder what I would be thinking, as a unhappily married adult woman and mother, reading this post. "Do I want to stay with my partner just because he isn't mature enough to do right by our kids after our divorce? That really doesn't sound like someone I would like to be with....It doesn't sound fair to me, and yet, staying together would be best for the kids." What do you do then?
It's a tough decision and it ultimately has to be up to you. I have heard so many parents say, "We fight so much that if we divorce, the kids will be much better off." Unfortunately, that may not be the case. If you decide to divorce, rebuilding your life and learning how to co-parent with your ex is going to be one of the most challenging things you learn to do in your life. You'll have to learn to get along with your ex to do what is best for your children. If you couldn't do it when you were married, it may be even more difficult to get along after divorce. I hope this information helps you to make an informed decision.
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