Expectations

Satisfaction - When Reality Exceeds Your Expectations

I was once asked in a pageant interview "What do you believe is the greatest challenge facing married couples today?" I said, "Communicating and meeting expectations. Unmet expectations lead to disappointment, and when expectations are high (like those behaviors and attitudes we expect of our spouses), big disappointments lead to divorce." Most people say that communication and commitment are the reason marriages fail, but I would say that the leading cause of divorce is unmet expectations.

Expectations include wishes for our future or what we expect from each other. They determine our happiness. Our disappointments are measurements of unmet expectations. Now, am I saying that you should lower your expectations as much as possible so that they are easier to meet? Not in the least! I think we have a right and a responsibility to choose, and I especially encourage young people to choose, their romantic partners and future spouses based on specific criteria that you want in a mate, rather than sliding into a relationship because it's comfortable, or because you think "he/she's the best I can do." There is so much more I can say about this, and I probably will say a lot more in another blog. For now, let's just say that I am not telling you to lower any realistic expectations you have of your partner.

The most important thing is that we understand what our expectations actually are, they are communicated clearly with our partner, and both people make the effort to meet those expectations which are known to be realistic. In sum, we have to do our part, both in understanding and communicating our own expectations and in trying our best to meet our partners' needs.

Last time, I talked about my sister-in-law Melissa. When asked to draw a picture of what marriage meant to her during her pre-marriage relationship class, she drew a picture of a hot air balloon, floating in the clouds. She talked about marriage being happiness and bliss. Many engaged couples come to my relationship workshops thinking, "Divorce might happen to other people, but it will never happen to us. We're going to be blissfully infatuated with each other forever!" Can you see the foundation being laid for unmet expectations? Others have expectations associated with the different gender roles, their background, the culture, their families, and their past relationships. I know one man who spoke about wanting to get married because in that case he would never have to do the dishes again! Thank goodness that was not my husband, because that would be an unrealistic expectation for him and for us. Some expectations are realistic, but not communicated. Often we have expectations from our upbringing that we are completely unaware of.

Here are some examples:

• My partner is going to be my everyone and everything - meeting all of my needs.
• Marriage is boring and dreadful, and this means I'm going to be on a leash for the rest of my life.
  
• We'll always have sex on our anniversary.
• Once we have children, I'm going to be a stay-at-home mom.
• My partner is going to attend church with me every Sunday.
• We're going to raise our children as according to Jewish tradition.
• We'll eat dinner together after work every night, and talk about our days at work/home/etc.
• We will always live in New Jersey.
• My wife will be in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant.
• Women and men are equals in every way, and all tasks will be assigned with this in mind.
• Everyone will pitch in until the work gets done.
• The woman controls the household budget.

I'm making an assumption here, but you probably read that list and thought some of those were ridiculous, while others were perfectly realistic. I want to make the point that what is a realistic expectation and what is not is based entirely on the two people involved. Since our expectations come from our culture, our society, our families of origin, and the media, expectations are going to be different from person to person, and whether or not an expectation is realistic is different from person to person and couple to couple.

It is most important that we

• Understand our own expectations.

Explore a little. You might have some expectations you are not aware of. For example, I was unaware that when we first got married, I expected my husband to come home and have dinner with me every night after work until I really explored how I felt. Before this, when he came home later than I expected, I was mildly disappointed that I had to eat dinner alone, but for the longest time, I didn't even realize why I was so disappointed. Explore your expectations about the big issues (money, children, sex, etc.) but also about the day-to-day issues.

• Communicate all of your expectations, even those that are unrealistic given your partner and your current circumstances.

After communicating about the expectation above, Bobby and I now make sure to keep each other informed of our dinner plans. Sometimes I still eat alone because he has to work late, but now I can plan for it and possibly get some work done myself. It was only through exploring the issue and communicating about it that I was able to understand my own disappointment. Once I was aware of my own expectation, the disappointment over the issue faded entirely.

As an example of an unrealistic expectation for Bobby and me, I have always wished that I would have the option to stay home with our children once we have them, but I know that that may not be realistic. I don't expect to be a stay-at-home mom, but I hope for it for some small time in my life. That counts as an expectation too, because it can lead to disappointment.

Speak up about your known expectations. Let's say you want to go out on a certain night. There is nothing wrong with that expectation. It's realistic and you're aware of it. Your partner may even like the idea or feel the same way. If you say nothing, you're much more likely to be disappointed than if you communicate what you wish would happen. Mind-readers need not apply! Believing "He should know what I want," is foolish. You are expecting your spouse to be a mind-reader, and that is a perfect example of an unrealistic expectation.

• Try your best to meet your partners' expectations.
  

Beliefs, Assumptions, and Expectations

Unfortunately, we psychologically tie many ideas to our expectations. Have you ever heard someone say, "If he really loved me, he'd..." or "If she truly respected me and appreciated me, she'd...". It is human (albeit illogical) to assume that if the second half of the sentences above is not satisfied that we have found evidence of being uncared for, disrespected, unappreciated, etc. In all honesty, this is generalizable to all relationships. We all want acceptance, especially in those relationships that leave us most vulnerable. Our expectations can lead to disappointments, but of course they don't have to lead to disappointment if we are clear and untie them from other beliefs about our partners' opinion of us.

Here are some examples:

• If she really loved me, she'd refill the orange juice container.
• If he had any respect for my opinion, he'd put the laundry detergent in the washer before he puts the clothes in the washer.
• When he makes an ultimatum, he's just trying to control me.
• If he cared for me, he'd spend more time with me than his video game.
• If she appreciated me, she'd give me more thoughtful gifts.
  
• If she really cared for me, we'd make love more often.
• If he really cared about our relationship, he'd stay up and talk this out with me.
• If she really cared about our relationship, she'd stop bringing up all of these "issues" (and starting fights with me.)
• If he really cared about me, he'd work on my car immediately when it started acting up, rather than waiting a week.
  

When these expectations are not met, people come to conclusions that are shocking. They come to the conclusion that their spouse doesn't care for them, respect them, admire them, or appreciate them. They jump to conclusions about their partners' motivation. You may have read the book The Five Love Languages. Often unmet expectations are tied to these love languages. "If he loved me, he'd touch me more." "If she loved me, she'd say nicer things about me in public places." "If he loved me, he'd do what I asked him to do." Often the reality is that two people are saying "I love you", but in entirely different languages!

This is why it is so important that our communication with each other is clear. We must give our partners the chance to say, "Of course I care about you." We must communicate our expectations so our partners understand us and can make an effort to meet them. We must do our best to show our partners they are loved in the language that works best for them -- not necessarily in the language which is most comfortable for us.

There are many categories of expectations that should be discussed for a healthy relationship, including expectations regarding home and work, individuality and "we-ness", romance, child rearing, finances, religion and values, and sex. In the Forever. For Real. course, we discuss expectations and the various areas in which we have them in much more detail. Click in the yellow words above to find a free course near you, and remember that engaged couples can save $45 on their marriage licenses by attending.

I hope your relationships are happy and healthy, and may God bless you, your marriage, and your family!

This morning's interview on The Morning Edition on Stillwater TV 31

Mrs. Stillwater International 2009 Stacey Harkins and I were interviewed by Casey Kendrick on Stillwater TV 31's Morning Edition today! We spoke about our platforms and about my year as Mrs. Oklahoma 2008, but primarily about the upcoming Mrs., Miss, and Miss Teen Oklahoma International Pageants on April 26.

The pageant is a fantastic opportunity for women who want to serve their communities and live the dream of being a local (and possibly state!) titleholder. The experience of pageant preparation is a lot of fun and very rewarding for all of those who participate. Pageants provide women with the opportunity to better themselves, develop their communication, presentation, and interpersonal skills. Pageants also provide motivation to take care of oneself physically and stay healthy and fit through proper diet and exercise. The local and state titles also provide an opportunity to advocate for causes that are important to the contestant and her community.

In addition, our 2009 state titleholders will receive a wonderful prize package (new prizes are being announced almost every day!) and the experience of competing at Mrs. International, Miss International, and Miss Teen International this summer in Chicago! Thank you to all of the wonderful sponsors who provide wonderful prizes, support our pageant, and understand what it's all about! I had a great time in Chicago with amazing, like-minded women from around the world, and I'm proud to say that I was named fourth runner-up! Click here to view photos from my Mrs. International experience.

If you are interested in representing your community at the Mrs., Miss, Teen, or Jr. Teen Oklahoma International pageants, visit www.OKPageants.com today to submit your application. If you're on facebook, consider joining The Sisterhood of the Oklahoma International Pageants facebook group. There is no swimsuit competition, no talent competition, and no cattiness here. All of the other ladies are warm and friendly -- it truly is a sisterhood! Join today if you're interested in becoming a contestant or if you simply want to support what we're doing to better our communities. We believe social networking works and love to make new friends. We hope to hear from you!

OCFR Healthy Families Conference

Registration is open for the 2009 Oklahoma Council on Family Relations Conference on March 6 at the University of Central Oklahoma's Nigh University Center.

The theme for the 29th annual OCFR conference, Healthy Families: Physical, Sexual and Emotional Wellness, was chosen both to help attendees better understand the many aspects of family wellness and to promote resiliency within the family. The conference will focus on the practices that promote physical, sexual and emotional wellness in families. Participants will be challenged to explore their assumptions about what makes a family healthy. Sessions also will explore best practices of family advocates.

I will be leading a round table discussion entitled "Supporting Children and Youth after Divorce".

The conference is designed to address a balance of academic, research, application and policy interests with a theme that is broad enough to address a variety of topics relating to families of all forms and family members at any age or stage.

For more information, download the informational brochure and registration page.
I hope to see you there!

Inspiration

Philippians 4:8, "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." (NIV)

Help Save Hearts, Oklahoma!

Every year 100,000 deaths from cardiac arrest across the country could be prevented if Automated External Defibrillators (AEDs) were available. Tomorrow, a bill will be voted on that will increase the use of AEDs in Oklahoma.

Click here to tell your House and Senate member to vote YES on the Good Samaritan Law which will encourage all citizens to use an AED by providing them immunity from lawsuits.

The Oklahoma Senate is expected to vote on this proposal tomorrow, so please make your voice heard and take action today!

AEDs are important for several reasons including:

• If an AED is used within three minutes of a heart attack the victim has an 80 percent chance of survival.
• Every minute that passes before returning the heart to a normal rhythm after a cardiac arrest causes the chance of survival to fall by 10 percent.
• Each year, more than 250,000 people suffer cardiac arrest, usually away from a hospital. More than 95 percent of them will die, in many cases because defibrillation occurs too late to reverse the cardiac arrest.
  

After the Senate votes on the bill, it will go to the House. Please urge both your State Representative and State Senator to vote YES on this lifesaving bill. Take action today!

I am a woman of faith. I love God and am grateful for His forgiveness and unconditional love, even when I don't deserve it. I know that many people don't believe what I do, and while I hope they will change their minds, I respect their right to be different from me. I will still stand up for what I believe in though, and hope for the same tolerance offered all of the other religions in our country. Thanks for reading and God bless you and your families! I don't know if this is true or if it is just a story, but many Christian students around the country can relate -- to not feeling comfortable standing up in the classroom for what you believe in -- especially classes in religion, philosophy or political science. Thank you Janice, for sharing this video with me.

Nurturing Commitment

I went to Captain and Mrs. Isaac Shield's wedding last weekend, and it brought to mind all of the ideas of romance, friendship, and life-long commitment. Commitment is always high on a couple's wedding day but it can wane over time. How can we keep that spark alive after the 1-2 year honeymoon period is over?

At a one of my first marriage workshops, I asked participants to draw a picture of what marriage meant to them. I gave them examples, such as a garden that was beautiful when nurtured, and a computer, which enriches your life but is easy to mess up if you don't maintain it. My future brother-in-law was in the class and he jokingly said, "How do you draw a deep, dark pit of despair?" His then-fiance, my current sister-in-law Melissa, had drawn a picture of a hot air balloon surrounded by blue skies and a few beautiful clouds. She said that marriage was going to be blissful, wonderful, and romantic. Their responses bring up two issues: commitment and expectations. Both are discussed in Forever. For Real. workshops all over the state.

When couples divorce, the two most cited reasons include communication and commitment. Communication is a skill that can be taught, but commitment is another issue. It's an attitude, a feeling. Commitment is an issue that not only relates to our intimate relationships, but also our work ethic, our decision making skills, and our involvement in our communities. How can we change our culture so that commitment is the standard and not an exception? More importantly, how can we nurture the attitude of commitment in our homes and in our lives? Note that I am not stating that people in physically or emotionally abusive marriages should stay together by any means. Physical and emotional safety comes first. Call the Reachout Hotline at 1-800-522-9054 for immediate help. Still, I want to encourage couples who are considering divorce because of "boredom" or "falling out of love(?)" to stick it out over the long haul and nurture commitment in their relationship.

Commitment is associated with loyalty, dedication, and in relationships, sticking together when times get tough. It's tied to the values of forgiveness, optimism, and looking for the best in people. It's also about restructuring and putting effort and energy into making things right when things go horribly wrong. It's about handling this as a team and working together to get the relationship back on track. And as my brother-in-law alluded to, commitment is also tied to feeling trapped and making a choice to give up all other choices. Most of us have heard our girlfriends talk about guys with "commitment issues," and we know exactly what they mean.

Hopefully, we stay committed to our partners for reasons of love, dedication, and loyalty, but after many years together, sometimes the negative has eroded the positive so much that the social constraints of worrying about the children, finances, and personal moral reasons are the only things that keep us together. Not to worry: Over time the positives begin to outweigh the negatives again. Marital satisfaction increases and in general, couples that are unhappy right now will be happy together five years from now if they stick together and ride out the tough times. Distraught workshop attendees have said to me, "I want it to work, but I'm not in love with him anymore. My children...I don't want to hurt them."

Here are some tips to nurture the attitude of commitment in your relationships when things get a little rocky:

1. Make a list of your complaints. (It seems counter-intuitive but trust me, it works for you in the next step.)
   
2. Find a counterexample for every complaint on your list.
3. Make a list of all of the positive things about your partner including qualities and behaviors, and what he or she has added to your relationship and your life.
4. Make a list of ways that you can show your partner you care and do one of them -- whether you feel like doing it or not. This loving action will most likely lead to a cycle. Loving action plants the seeds for more loving action.

Remember: the grass isn't always greener on the other side. You can't possibly see all of the negatives about your alternatives from where you sit today. It is unfair to expect your partner to live up to an unattainable standard from the past or present or the impossible future you envision with someone else.

Forgive and be forgiven. Remembering that you are not perfect, forgive others for minor mistakes and imperfections, forgive yourself for yours, and then move past them.

For those who you are well on the side of positive commitment, bravo! Continue to nurture commitment and positive aspects of your relationship by showing your partner that you care in the ways that mean most to him or her.

For more on commitment and other issues such as forgiveness, communication warning signs, and relationship ground rules, sign up for a free Forever. For Real. workshop today.

Because marriage now comes with instructions.

Anniversary - Oklahoma Marriage Initiative ad

Have you ever heard the saying, "It's funny because it's true"? The top three topics couples argue about are sex, money, and children, and yet most couples avoid talking about these topics until a credit card bill comes in the mail, a discipline issue arises or it's the couples' anniversary and one person, and only one person, wants to have sex.

If you'd like to learn how to communicate about these issues and many more, and improve your relationship in the process, click here to find a free Forever. For Real. workshop near you!

Because marriage now comes with instructions.

Being Mrs. Oklahoma is All About ...

Many people have asked me lately, "What is Mrs. Oklahoma all about?" These are people in the community, potential contestants and even some pageant skeptics who don't understand what I'm doing and why. I thought I'd post what I believe it takes to win and what I believe being a titleholder is all about.

Yes, I competed in a pageant, and yes, there is an element of beauty to the competition. In evening wear and fitness, which account for 50% of the total score, contestants are judged on poise, physical fitness (including muscle tone and proportion), and grace. Many times people are shocked that the "most beautiful contestant," in their eyes, did not win. What these people are forgetting is (1) beauty (or poise, or proportion) is subjective and (2) that the other 50% of the final score comes from private interview, and that interview is based on a community service platform. In other words, the interview is primarily based on what the woman sets out to accomplish during her year of service, her ability to persuade others and communicate her message. I believe that I won the Mrs. Oklahoma title because of my passion for my platform, my action plan for making a difference in Oklahoma, and because I was also well-rounded in the other categories. This post is for the ladies who want to know what it is actually like being Mrs. Oklahoma. Here are my two cents.

WINNING
also known as
What are the judges looking for?

• The woman whom they feel most comfortable with.
  
• A woman who is natural (i.e. not fake).
  
• She is confident and comfortable in her own skin. This is reflected in interview as well as in her stage presence.
  
• A woman who has clearly set goals and accomplishments with regard to her platform.
  
• She is a proactive, persuasive woman who wants to make a difference and sees the title as a vehicle to better herself and reach her service goals.
  
• She is not necessarily the most beautiful contestant, but she takes pride in her appearance. She is well-groomed and makes flattering wardrobe choices.
  
• She is fit and makes health a priority.
  
• She puts other people at ease (including the judges), and she realizes that you can be Mrs. Oklahoma and Mrs. Congeniality.
  
• She is intelligent and articulate yet warm and approachable.
  
• She is chosen to be a spokesperson for the pageant and for her cause.
  
• Her job description is what she makes it -- it centers on her platform and the national platform, and the ability to represent her pageant and all of pageantry in a positive light.
  
• She knows her job description. She knows why she wants to serve as a titleholder and what she intends to do once she is the titleholder. She realizes that winning the title is an honor, but serving as Mrs. Oklahoma is a job. It is a fun job with many perks and many responsibilities, but it is a job just the same.
• She shares the values of the International organization which center on marriage, family and community service.
• For our organization, family and career obligations are always put first, so you can be as active or inactive a titleholder as you would like, although Mrs. Oklahoma is required to make at least one appearance per month.
  

MY YEAR SO FAR
also known as
What does my job entail?

As for me, I'm trying to be the best Mrs. Oklahoma that I can be by

1. Speaking to children about their families through classroom presentations, showing them tangibly that they are not alone and that there are ways to help themselves feel better after divorce.

2. Speaking to school principals, guidance counselors, child care providers, and clergy about options regarding divorce support groups for youth; in particular the Banana Splits program. Then I give them the tools to help establish new programs.


3. Preventing the problem before it starts as a relationship enrichment workshop leader for the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative, promoting OMI's programming, and teaching "Relationships 101", PREP-program highlights adapted for teens and young adults.

4. Supporting the national platform of Go Red for Women, teaching women about better heart health, joining the movement, and taking better care of my heart for myself and my family.

5. Speaking to children and youth through classroom presentations about self-esteem and goal-setting, overcoming obstacles, and leadership.

6. Appearing and supporting community events and programs related to children, families, and other causes that mean a lot to me, in an effort to bring greater enthusiasm and excitement for these causes. (Organizers typically like to have Mrs. Oklahoma's support.)

In order to accomplish these goals, I read the local periodicals (Oklahoma magazine, Tulsa People, Tulsa Kids) and contact event organizers to ask if I can be involved. I also contact school officials (for example, the director of counseling, superintendent of schools) about speaking in the schools and establishing new school-based programs. I promote my platform and the pageant via the blog, website, Myspace, Facebook, and Twitter, as well as the local media when appropriate. I receive and read "google alerts" about the Banana Splits program, children and divorce, and Oklahoma Marriage Initiative to keep abreast of the latest news regarding my platform. I design and order promotional materials at VistaPrint to hand out to children, teachers, counselors, and other potential volunteers about divorce support and divorce prevention.

When obstacles arose for my platform goals, I sought to overcome them. For example, the original Banana Splits leaders' manual included activities and a description of the program philosophy but left the lesson plans up to the group leader. Counselors and teachers found that writing lesson plans was too time-consuming with their other commitments. I addressed this by writing 12 lesson plans for the first 12 weeks of the program. They are easily adaptable to the specific group at the school and are ready to use so that volunteer group leaders can start quickly and make changes easily.

Hit the books

When I first became involved in the divorce support cause, I spent a lot of time doing library research about divorce and remarriage, the effects of divorce on children, and the efficacy of divorce support programs for youth and relationship enhancement workshops. I have read over 50 books on the topic and own about a dozen children's books about coping with parental divorce. I use these in the Banana Splits program. This is an excellent way to get to know your platform, and I highly suggest that aspiring titleholders spend some time in the library.

I continue to look for opportunities to promote my platform and speak to large audiences about the topics above. First and foremost, Mrs. Oklahoma is a spokesperson. As my friend Janitha posted on her myspace page, "Beauty captures attention, but personality (and substance) captures the heart." The sparkling tiara gets people's attention, but then you must have something worth-while to say. At the OMI event just a few weeks ago, a woman came up to me and shook my hand. She said, "You're more than just a pretty face," and I am very grateful for that. Mrs. Oklahoma International is always more than just a pretty face. Service is what our pageant is all about.

What about work, school, family, etc.?

As Mrs. Oklahoma, family and career always come first. For example, last semester, I completed my Master's report, which is basically the capstone project for the applied math master's degree at the University of Tulsa. I am proud to say that I completed this project, but I also devoted less time to promoting my platform and my Mrs. Oklahoma title when I was writing this paper and teaching classes at TU. I still participated in the Ms. Senior Oklahoma pageant, Macy's Shop for a Cause, a TU football game (as the national anthem vocalist), Catwalk for a Cause, a fundraiser for a nonprofit for single moms and Bartlesville Christmas parade, and had several meetings with principals about Banana Splits that semester, but I did not focus the time and energy on my platform that I am focusing on it in now. That is completely acceptable and preferred. The pageant leadership encourages us to prioritize our family and career above the service opportunities as Mrs. Oklahoma.

I admit, being Mrs. Oklahoma has been a lot of hard work for me, but it is also absolutely wonderful and very fulfilling. There were many days when the dishes weren't done immediately and the laundry started to pile up, but my husband has been extremely supportive at home, and he supports my desire to make a difference while I have that little bit of the spotlight that the title offers me. I have signed over 1000 autographs this year. I have had four radio interviews and three television interviews. I have spoken to over 800 people about my platform, and I have grown tremendously as a result. I have learned to balance my work, my family and social obligations, and my service to others while keeping my priorities and schedule in line with my values. I have also learned to calm my perfectionistic tendencies and forgive myself for not being able to do it all and do it all perfectly well. God doesn't expect perfection, and I don't expect perfection from other people, so I've learned to forgive myself, laugh at myself, do my best, and strive for excellence. I haven't lowered my standards. I have simply changed my attitude toward my imperfections.

Please realize that you don't have to be as active as I am. You can be as active or as inactive as your schedule, lifestyle, and priorities allow you, as long as you meet the minimum requirement. I have spoken with titleholders who chose to stay home with their children rather than make an appearance, and to me, those women have their priorities in exactly the right place. Families must always take priority. This is consistent with what Mrs. International stands for.

My husband woos Vice Presidential nominee
Governor Palin at the Tulsa State Fair! LOL

Earlier this year, I had an appearance on Friday, another on Saturday, and my husband's birthday on Sunday, the last day of the Tulsa State Fair. All Bobby wanted to do was to go to the fair and eat a corndog! (He had also had dental surgery recently and was looking forward to non-blended "real food"). I was supposed to grade a stack of exams and I was about half-way done. I could finish them on time at the expense of my husband's birthday, but there was no way I could go to the fair and finish the exams by 5 PM. My supervisor allowed me to grade the exams to be handed back on Wednesday rather than Monday. Family comes first. I will never live it down with this particular professor, but I still believe I made the right choice. Your year as Mrs. Oklahoma will be full of choices like this one, and I hope that you will always choose to do what is best for your family.

Being a Local Titleholder

Your year is what you make it. Serving as a local titleholder is your opportunity to practice being the state titleholder, so in addition to preparing for the interview competition, working on your fitness and choosing a gown that makes you feel like royalty, I encourage you to get out there and make a difference. Use your local title to promote your platform in the way you intend to use your state title. As you speak to youth, fine-tune your message, research your platform, discover unmet needs and attempt to meet them, you will become a better role model and spokesperson for your cause. Whether you take home the state title or not, you will have won.

Keeping this in mind, I wish you the best of luck on your journey, to not only win the title, but to become an amazing Mrs. Oklahoma (or Miss Oklahoma, or Miss Teen Oklahoma). Good luck and let your light shine!

Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise Your Father in heaven. - Matt. 5:16

All Work and No Play? Hardly!

After reading what I wrote above, I realized that while everything I wrote was true, it made being Mrs. Oklahoma sound like all work and no play! Yes, it is tough, but the media interviews, fashion shows, charity galas, the autograph signings for little children, classroom speaking engagements (which are a lot of fun at any school), letting little girls try on your crown, hula-hooping for fitness :) at the Tulsa Women's Living Expo, going to nationals and touring Chicago, and sharing a laugh, stories, and good times with the many new friends and contacts you meet as Mrs. Oklahoma are some of the many memories that will last a lifetime! The Oklahoma International pageant family is a sisterhood, and we have all become great friends even in the midst of competition.

Being Mrs. Oklahoma is hard work but I have laughed more and met more wonderful people this year because of my title. So...Is being Mrs. Oklahoma all work and no play? Hardly! Dressing up, being a goof-ball when appropriate :), and meeting wonderful people make the year not only fulfilling, but fun!

Saturday at the Tulsa Women's Living Expo

In our time at the Tulsa Women's Living Expo, 428 people joined the Go Red movement! Lauri, thank you so much for giving so much of yourself to organize and staff this event! Here are some photos from the Go Red & Oklahoma International pageants booth. Enjoy them and stay tuned for more photos! Also, you should know that there was a corn dog incident...and it's really funny! Next time we see each other, ask me about it!

Friday at the Tulsa Womens' Living Expo

With my director Lauri Rottmayer,
at the Go Red for Women booth

It's never too early to establish good habits!

Two young ladies sign up for Go Red,
and promise to live heart healthy for life.

Talking with attendees about making healthy choices

Today I joined my director Lauri Rottmayer at the Go Red for Women and Oklahoma International Pageants booth at the Tulsa Women's Living Expo. We had over 85 women and men sign up to be a part of the movement, receive a red dress pin, and learn more about living heart healthy lives.

We heard many stories about how heart disease had affected women and their families; many of them described doctors' misdiagnosis of heart attacks in women, and women who refused treatment, stating that they "were fine," they were "just tired," or simply "suffering from mild indigestion." One in three women die of heart disease. That statistic used to be one in two women, but the awareness efforts of the American Heart Association, Go Red, and the millions of women who have decided to take control of their lives and talk to their loved ones about the cause, reduced that startling statistic to one in three. We are hoping that someday soon, it will be one in five or one in fifteen, and eventually we hope to wipe out heart disease, not only in women but in everyone. So many health problems are preventable and it begins with you. As women take care of everyone else in their lives, we must remember that we won't be able to care for everyone else if we're no longer there. You cannot provide for everyone else's needs if you're no longer with them. Love your hearts, ladies, for yourself and also for the people you love.

Tomorrow I will be at the expo center for day 2 of the Womens' Living Expo. I hope to see you there!

Fox News Daybreak

With Ron Terrell of Fox News Daybreak

This morning, I was interviewed by Ron Terrell of Fox 23 News Daybreak, and I spoke mostly about my work with the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative and the role of Mrs. Oklahoma. It was a lot of fun and a great experience for me. Thank you Ron and the Fox news team for giving me another venue to share this important message.

Couples: Communicate your expectations, protect the fun stuff, and learn the skills you need to handle uncomfortable issues productively. Many people are out buying cards, candy, and roses, but what could be a better gift than a blissful, life-long marriage? Forever. For Real is not just for married couples, but for any couple who wants to enrich and improve their relationship. I hope you'll find a free Oklahoma Marriage Initiative-sponsored workshop near you today. Visit www.ForeverForReal.com to find a workshop. Just like our ads say, marriage now comes with instructions.

Ms. Hatch's Fourth Grade Class at Wellston Elementary

Earlier this month, Heather Rouba, Mrs. Oklahoma County America 2009, contacted me about speaking to elementary school students at Wellston Elementary. Heather and I have the same platform and the same mission, to advocate on behalf of children of divorce and help couples create healthy, happy marriages. We also have one more thing in common: we are both adult children of divorce. She and I had been corresponding for a while so it was wonderful to finally meet her in person! I also spoke to the school principal about implementing a chapter of Banana Splits, and he is interested. Hopefully, a teacher or other school staff member will feel moved to do this and children of divorce at Wellston Elementary will begin to get the help they need after divorce.

Today I spoke to a classroom of fourth graders about the tough issues of divorce and remarriage, about feelings and how to cope with them, and also about self-esteem and goal-setting. Then I spent quite a while signing autograph cards (many children asked for an autographed photo for their brothers, sisters, and even parents!). I shared my personal story and encouraged the children to make good choices and set goals to make their dreams a reality. Every student participated in our conversation and I think they learned a lot about coping and making their dreams come true. I also had more than one conversation about 'being famous' and about whether or not my crown is 'real.' :) I said, "It's made of real rhinestones." :) The children were adorable and insightful and I appreciate their candor. Many children told me that their parents are divorced and that they were glad that we talked about it -- It's a tough issue, and I wished that I could talk to them all in more detail, but hopefully knowing that Mrs. Oklahoma is someone who has been there and experienced what they experienced helps them to realize that even though it can be hard, that it doesn't have to hurt forever and that they can still make their dreams come true.

Heather and I will be back at Wellston Elementary on March 11 to speak at a school-wide assembly. I'm excited and nervous about the prospect of this (I've never spoken to an entire school before!) but I'm certain it will be fun! I also hope that we will implement a program at Wellston. I think it is wonderful to be a role model, but I think it would be even more wonderful to leave a legacy. I want all children get the help they need after parental divorce, whether I'm there to speak with them or not. It's exciting to be a part of change like this, disheartening to hear that almost every child in that classroom is struggling, but encouraging to know that we're trying to do something about it.

At an OMI event, a volunteer told a story about a man who was throwing star fish back into the ocean. A storm had brought in many star fish, and left on the shore they would die. One at a time, the man threw one star fish after another into the ocean. Someone approached him saying, "Surely, you know that you won't be able to save them all. In the grand scheme of things, your attempt won't matter." Then, picking up another star fish, the man responded, "It will matter to this one." I know that we won't be able to reach every child in Oklahoma, but what we do will matter to individual children and individual families. That makes it all worth it.

Speaking and Sharing at Forever. For Real. Tulsa

With Dr. Howard Stanley, Dr. Scott Markman, and Natalie Jenkins,
the team of researchers who created PREP

Saturday afternoon, I drove from Bartlesville to Tulsa to speak and share my platform with the attendees of Forever. For Real. The workshop leaders for the presentation were none other than the PREP team, Dr. Howard Stanley, Dr. Scott Markman, and Natalie Jenkins, the team of researchers who created PREP at the University of Denver.

I was happy to share my message and what I have been doing as Mrs. Oklahoma. I spoke about my motivation to compete and to promote my platform, the various service projects and presentations that I am currently working on in Oklahoma, and a little encouragement: to take what they learn in this one day event and apply it to their lives. The skills and techniques learned at PREP really work, if you use them. I explained that Bobby and I use them and that makes a big difference in our relationship.

With Bob Davis, the initiative's Oklahoma City-based

community relations specialist

The staff of the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative was wonderful as always. I adore Tulsa area service delivery coordinator Amanda Carter, and I was glad to meet Bob Davis, the OMI community relations specialist based in Oklahoma City. Bob works on several projects that target the African American community in OKC. Hopefully, he and I will be working together soon.

With Amanda Carter, our Tulsa area community relations specialist

I also met and took a photo with the creators of PREP. I fear I may have been a little juvenile with them -- There is just something about people who dedicate their lives to life-changing research and help desimminate the results that fills me with awe, and respect, and maybe makes me a little giddy if I'm being completely honest. I hope to study, research, discover, and share the truth in that way, whether we're talking about families or the latest advancements in applied math. It was fun!

After presenting more people than I can count came up to me to ask for information about the teen and young adult presentations, the Banana Splits program, and Forever. For Real. Couples, please communicate about your expectations, do your part to nurture the good stuff (fun, friendship, sex), and learn how to handle touchy issues in a productive way. All of these concepts are explored in PREP. To find a workshop, visit www.ForeverForReal.com. To become a volunteer workshop leader, visit www.okmarriage.org.

And that's not for an 'OK' marriage but for an exceptional one.
Ha ha...I had to make that joke. It was too easy. :) I'll write again soon.

Breakfast Benefit for the Samaritan Counseling Center

With Mrs. Oklahoma International 2007, Brooke Good,
after she gave a moving speech about her platform,
"Sexual Child Abuse: Overcoming the Nightmare"

Saturday morning, February 7, I drove to Bartlesville to share my support for the Samaritan Counseling Center at the Daughters of Lot breakfast. The Daughters of Lot organization provides counseling services to sexually abused women. They chose the name "Daughters of Lot" because of the Biblical reference. Lot tried to give his virgin daughters to an angry mob and later, in their confusion, the girls had incestuous sex with their father. Daughters of Lot recognizes the confusion, sadness, and pain that women experience after abuse as well as the consequences that go along with that, and provides real help in much needed counseling services.

Mrs. Oklahoma 2007 Brooke Good was a victim of sexual child abuse, and she shared her story. She explained that sharing this "secret" is a key to moving past sexual abuse, and she shared a highlight of her year as Mrs. Oklahoma, talking with girls who experienced what she had experienced. It was a moving, personal, beautiful speech. Brooke is wonderful and had the whole audience in tears, ready to donate and support this important cause. Although we don't know each other well, what I know of her, I love. She is a very courageous person and has done tremendous things. I was glad to attend the event and support her in a cause that should be in the forefront of every person's heart. We must protect children from the kind of abuse that Brooke suffered, and when we cannot protect them, we must help them move through the pain to healing and finally hope. Here are some photos from the event.

Brooke, sitting across the table, with a big, beautiful smile!

With founder of Lighthouse Mission in Bartlesville, Naomi Hill

A woman thanks Brooke for sharing her personal and heartfelt story

Brooke and me with our director, Lauri Rottmayer

With Brooke after her presentation

Mrs. Frazier's Kindergarten class at Wright Elementary

Aren't they adorable?

We talked about different kinds of families,
feelings, and achieving our dreams.

After my interview, I decided to stop by Wright Elementary school. I had spoken to guidance counselor Tim Frazier about implementing a program for children of divorce several years ago. While that never did pan out, I worked with students on a one-on-one basis. I returned to the school as Mrs. Oklahoma, hoping to establish a program for children of divorce. Principal McCain kindly gave of her time when there didn't seem to be any, and we are in the beginning stages of establishing an after-school chapter of Banana Splits.

While waiting for Mrs. McCain, two little girls saw me in the office. "Are you a real princess?" they asked. I responded, "Well, I'm not a princess per se, but I am Mrs. Oklahoma. That's kind of like being a princess from Oklahoma." "Where's your crown?" one little girl asked, and I said, "It's in my car. Do you think I should go get it?" They gave me an enthusiastic yes! I ran out to my car and grabbed my crown box. When I returned to the office, Denise, the school nurse, escorted me to Mrs. Frazier's kindergarten classroom, where I finally showed them my crown. They passed it around the room, and I gave an imprompty presentation about their families and their feelings, and what it is like to be Mrs. Oklahoma.

Then it was time for them to return to their school work, and I met with Mrs. McCain about Banana Splits. She shared her concerns: We would not take away from academic learning time to initiate another program. I agree with this wholeheartedly. As an educator myself, I know the students need to learn the basics of math, science, social studies, and English and that should be the school's number one priority. Still, I explained that the family lives of these children are affecting their ability to meet their academic potential. Children of divorce are distracted by their lives at home, and are more likely to act out, have learning difficulties, struggle with concentration, or have some other physical manifestation of anxiety, such as stomach aches, bed wetting, or hair pulling. Situationally, I've known one child who couldn't concentrate because she was worried about her mom. I know a young boy who started wetting himself at school. He was made fun of because he smelled bad, and he had to wear clothes from the lost and found. One of my sisters rebelled and the other began pulling out her hair. It doesn't have to be this way. We can help these children by teaching them ways to properly handle negative emotions. We can give them age-appropriate coping skills where they are right now.

I explained this to Mrs. McCain and we talked about ways to meet this need without taking away classroom time. I would lead a Banana Splits chapter at Wright in the after care program. Most children from single parent homes were already in after care, so it seemed to be the perfect place to start.

I'm excited about the opportunity to help children at Wright. Out of all of the children in Mrs. Frazier's kindergarten class, only three came from intact families. Please remember that commonality does not equal easy, especially for children that don't have the added perspective of years of experience. The time to help children of divorce is now. I am grateful to Mrs. McCain and mr. Frazier for the opportunity.

NewsChannel 8 Interview on Good Day Tulsa

With the wonderful Keith Taylor of NewsChannel 8

What a week it has been! On February 6, National Wear Red Day, I was interviewed by Keith Taylor of Good Day Tulsa about the International organization alliance with the American Heart Association's Go Red for Women, as well as my personal platforms of advocacy for children of divorce and divorce prevention. (By the way, I wore my super-cute red patent leather pumps! Adorable! You can get yours from a national Go Red sponsor, Macys.)

I had a great time! In all of my appearances as Mrs. Oklahoma, I have to say I felt most like royalty in this appearance. Keith and the Good Day Tulsa team were friendly and kind, and encouraging when I felt the little butterflies that come before any recorded interview. It's funny -- I am most nervous about speaking in front of a camera. I can't be sure why, but I think it has something to do with leaving evidence of my speaking (or lack of speaking) ability when I want nothing more than to communicate my message with passion and sincerity, while representing all married women in Oklahoma, and all women who compete in pageantry, to the best of my ability. Talk about pressure! It's fine without the camera, but once there is that evidence, the pressure is on! But I do believe in what I say and I ask for God's peace, and I think that combination enables me to speak sincerely and share my message. For that I am very grateful.

Keith asked me about the Mrs. Oklahoma pageant, Go Red for Women, my motivation to help families after divorce, and some of the projects and presentations I have been working on. I shared that I am presenting "Relationships 101," a teen and young adult adaptation of the PREP curriculum, as well as "Family Matters" a condensed, modified version of Banana Splits for the general elementary and middle school classroom audience, in addition to my work with the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative and Banana Splits.

Keith and I had also talked before we went on about Katie Stam's anchor school video and the role of Mrs. Oklahoma. I explained that while we do receive a very nice prize package, there is no car, there is no fancy apartment or modeling contract for winning Mrs. Oklahoma. Mrs. Oklahoma is a volunteer service position, in which the titleholder must be proactive. We do this because we are passionate about our causes. We do it because we love it. This year, I have become a specialist in public relations, website and other graphic design (for promotional materials), as well as an advocate, volunteer, teacher, student, wife, daughter, sister, friend, and spokesperson. It can be glamorous but it is hard work. The title is primarily about giving, but the truth of the matter is that you gain as much as you give. This is not about staring at your tiara-adorned self in the mirror, but about making a difference. The year flies by faster than you think. I feel that as titleholders we have a responsibility to break pageant stereotypes, and that begins by sharing what being a titleholder is truly all about. A master's degree in math doesn't hurt either. :)

I am very grateful to Keith Taylor and NewsChannel 8 for the hospitality as well as the opportunity to share my message and my passion with a wider audience. I have already had several veiwers contact me about speaking in their schools or helping establish a program for children of divorce. If one family is a little bit stronger because of this work, I feel that I've been successful. I have many more appearances coming up, so stay tuned!

Rose Day at the capitol, Stillwater schools...

It has been a busy week, but I have had a wonderful, wonderful time! On Wednesday, I went to capitol, wearing my crown and sash, in an attempt to bring visibility and excitement to the cause of protecting the unborn child. I admit that this cause is controversial and many people disagree with me, but I felt personally obligated to stand up for my convictions and encourage everyone, from Oklahomans for Life volunteers and supporters to our state legislators, to support life. I must use the title to bring awareness to causes that mean the world to me and I hope that those who disagree with me will respect my decision to do so. I stand for life.

I met many pro-life Oklahomans and encouraged them to keep fighting the good fight, and I also spoke to several women about their passions for various causes. One woman spoke to me about her desire to speak up for victims of domestic violence, which is in keeping with the anti-child abuse platform of Mrs. Oklahoma 2007, and another woman spoke to me about keeping families together. I also spoke to many people about advocacy for children of divorce and divorce prevention, and I believe that my message was well-received. Awareness is growing, and with more awareness of the cause and awareness of our ability to do something about it, we will finally act for children of divorce. That has been my greatest gift (to give and to recieve) as Mrs. Oklahoma. I met many little girls and boys who wanted to meet a real-life "princess" and touch the crown as well. The children are always a joy and the very reason why I do what I do and say what I say.

I asked my state legislators to support HB 1595, an abortion-reporting bill, that will lead to studies measuring the prevalence of abortion in our state, the reasons that abortions are sought, and the resulting complications. Additionally, the bill monitor compliance with our existing abortion statutes, and will prohibit abortions performed for purposes of sex-selection.

I also met many state senators, representatives, and other government officials (I don't want to try to name them all for fear that I will leave someone out!), but I will say that Senator Bryce Marlatt asked me for an autographed picture for his daughter Cloey, and I said I'd be more than happy to! Senator Marlatt is pro-life.

HB 1595 is the principal pro-life priority for the 2009 legislative session. The bill's authors are Representative Dan Sullivan and Senator Todd Lamb. See the post below to read more about the bill and to identify your legislators.

Later the same day, I went to Stillwater and spoke to principal Uwe Gordan at Stillwater High School and counselor Susan Sinderson at Stillwater Junior High School about making relationship education presentations for their students. Relationships are so important, and like communication, it just something that we are not generally taught in school. I will be making presentations at Stillwater High School in late March and early April, and while I'm in the area, I also hope to speak at the elementary, middle, and junior high schools.

My message to kids is this: You are not alone, there are ways we can help ourselves feel better, and no matter what kind of family you come from, you can still make your dreams come true by making good choices now. You can choose to handle the ups and downs of life in healthy ways. Teachers, we can guide the children so that they understand what is happening to their families. When life gives you lemons, made lemonade. As for the older students, I want them to learn relationship skills, know that they can choose their partners, and how not to slide into a bad or unhealthy relationship. You can decide to have a better relationship than your parents had. It's all about education, awareness, and effort -- in one word, choices. We can choose to learn from our parents' mistakes and successes, and we can learn from the family science research. Healthy, happy families are possible and it all begins with making a conscious effort to educate yourself and be good to your partner on purpose.

I will blog again soon about my NewsChannel 8 interview this morning and my impromptu classroom presentation at Wright Elementary School here in Tulsa. But as for right now...I have to go to class!

Rose Day at Oklahoma Capitol Wednesday

The annual pro-life lobbying day, Rose Day, will be held this Wednesday, February 4, at the state Capitol in Oklahoma City. The Rose Day program will be held at 11:45 a.m. in the House Chamber.

Rose distribution begins at 10:30 a.m., prior to the Rose Day Rally, on the 4th Floor Rotunda. Participants are encouraged to bring and deliver a red rose to the office of each of their legislators encouraging them to protect the lives of the unborn and ask those who are not pro-life to support pro-life issues. District maps and listings are posted near the registration tables to help with ease of finding offices and legislators. After Rose Distribution, the Rose Day Rally will begin at 11:45 a.m. in the House Chamber. Legislators who attend the rally in support of life will be recognized.

The morning will be devoted to visiting state legislators, urging their support for pro-life legislation here in Oklahoma. (The fourth and fifth entries under ID Your Legislators at www.OKforLife.com will identify your state senator and state representative.) Please come and show your support for the unborn child. I hope to see you there!

Major pro-life bill pending at state Capitol;
Ask legislators to support HB 1595

Please send an email to your state senator and state representative at the Capitol in Oklahoma City and urge them to support House Bill 1595.

The bill is an abortion-reporting bill that will measure the prevalence of abortion in Oklahoma, the reasons abortions are sought, and the complications that result. The bill will also monitor compliance with our existing abortion statutes, and will prohibit abortions performed for purposes of sex-selection.

HB 1595 is the principal pro-life priority for the 2009 legislative session. The bill's authors are Representative Dan Sullivan and Senator Todd Lamb.

You can identify your state senator and state representative by going to our website, www.OKForLife.com. On the upper left side, click on ID Your Legislators. Type your address, then scroll down to the fourth entry for your state senator's email address, and the fifth entry for your state representative's email address.

Thank you for contacting your state legislators and asking them to support this important pro-life bill.

Anyway
by Mother Theresa

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest anyway.

What you spend years building,
someone may try to destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have,
and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.

You see in the final analysis,
it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway...