More Than Words

I was talking to my mom one day, and she shared that Extreme's "More than Words" reminded her of me. If anyone would have ever asked me to describe my point of view with a song before this, perhaps I would have struggled a bit, but my mom knows me better than anyone else (except perhaps, my husband Bobby). A major running theme in my life is the theme of "More Than Words." I believe that this is consistent with what many children want after their parents divorce.

I come from a very affectionate family. We say I love you a lot. We talk a lot, hug a lot, and laugh loudly and often. I love that we are so affectionate. I love that we are friends and that we have a lot of fun together, but growing up, it was the little disappointments that bothered me. When one of my parents couldn't make it to an important extracurricular performance or awards show, when people would say one thing and do another, when a role model would do something that I felt was immoral or inconsistent with what they had always taught me, I felt disillusioned, and I decided that I would try my very best to live consistently with my own values, to always behave in the way that I thought was the best way to behave. I realize that often times, things that are not within our control come up and we disappointment someone, or we disappoint someone unintentionally because we didn't understand their expectations of us. What I'm talking about is a pattern of behavior that is reliable and consistent. Actions and words meet and everything fits.

When my parents divorced at 13, I felt that this was real love: to act lovingly even when we don't feel like acting lovingly, to do the right thing even when our instincts tempt us to follow a different path. I believe a lot of children of divorce feel the same way. They want their parents to show their love, not only through words, but also through actions. Here are some recommendations from children of divorce to divorcing parents about what parents can do to help their children feel loved and protected throughout the transition of divorce. This applies to all parents, but it is particularly salient for children of divorce because their parents may be less available as the adults struggle with the post-divorce aftermath. This list was created by kids in Jill Greenstein's Banana Splits chapter in NY.
Advice for Parents from Children of Divorce

* Spend alone time with all your children.
* Tell the truth and don't break promises or lie.
* Don't fight, yell, etc. in front of your children -- it makes your children scared and worried.
* Help your children with their homework.
* Share important information with your children.
* Listen to your children and pay attention to them.
* Have patience with your children and try not to get too angry.
* When you're angry, try not to take it out on your children.
* Communicate your feelings.

While every person needs to hear those three little words, "I love you", from the list above it is clear that behaviors, such as spending time alone with your kids, being honest with them, and protecting them from post-divorce conflict and arguments, show children that you love them and are willing to do what is best for them. Every time a parent bad-mouths his or her ex, the child thinks, "Will I grow up to be like that?" "Will I grow up to be a ________ like my dad/mom?" Children internalize these comments. Protecting your children from these comments is a way of showing love.

Mrs. Greenstein also advocates the following Bill of Rights.
Bill Of Rights For Children Whose Parents Are Separated/Divorced

* The right not to be asked to "choose sides" between their parents.
* The right not to be told the details of bitter or nasty legal proceedings going on between their parents.
* The right not to be told "bad things" about the other parent's personality or character or behavior.
* The right to privacy when talking to either parent on the telephone.
* The right not to be cross-examined by one parent after visiting the other parent.
* The right not to be asked to be a messenger from one parent to the other.
* The right not to be asked by one parent to tell the other parent untruths.
* The right not to be used as a confidant regarding the legal proceedings between the parents.
* The right to express feelings, whatever these feelings may be.
* The right to choose not to express certain feelings.
* The right to be protected from parental warfare.
* The right not to be made to feel guilty for loving both parents.

Because of past disappointments and more than a few excellent role models, I strive to be a person that others can count on and come to for support. I know that no one is perfect, and that even as I try, I will fail on a regular basis, but I strive to be the best I can be, to show my love for my loved ones by taking action for them. I want to live my platform rather than just talk about it. I want my actions and character speak for themselves, to provide real support in addition to pep talks, and concrete help and services for families, in addition to encouragement. Mom was right when she said that "More Than Words" is what I'm all about. I tend to have high expectations of others, but I don't expect anything more than I expect from myself. I hope parents will consider this lifestyle choice too. That's enough self-revelation for today. God bless!

Advice for Parents and the Bill of Rights were reprinted with permission from Jill Greenstein.