Mrs. Tulsa 2010 is Mrs. Green Country 2011!

I'm excited to announce that I've been selected to serve as Mrs. Green Country 2011!

It's going to be a great year! I have a wonderful new sponsor in Tulsa Gold & Gems. I've been invited to be a part of so many wonderful service projects and benefits for wonderful causes in the Tulsa area. Things with Blended Love are taking off faster and better than I could have ever imagined (thanks to my awesome Lord and Savior, a fabulously talented partner in Monica Epperson, and a brilliant, excited, passionate board of directors).

I find myself overusing the words "excited" and "wonderful", using far too many emoticons and using even more exclamation points. I'm bubbling over with joy at the things that God is doing for children of divorce, teachers, and families this year. Bobby and I have begun conversations about having a baby (not this year, but possibly next), and I have a very clear idea of God's plan for me now, although I don't know His timeline. While it was initially scary knowing so much (I was so afraid that I was going to ruin God's plan), God has been teaching me to rely on Him completely and trust Him more and more. It has been a challenge for me as a typical child of divorce but also very freeing to let go of my fears and rely completely on the Man in charge.

Regardless of what happens at the Mrs. Oklahoma pageant this January, I'm devoting myself to serving others, continuing my work with the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative & Kendall Whittier, Inc., and expanding the services and working with Monica on strategic planning for Blended Love. This is the season for service and growth. This season is about family and relationships. My Mrs. Green Country title is simply a vehicle that will allow me to further my mission and be a blessing to others.

While I still desire to be Mrs. America, I'm focusing more on the service that God created me for. I want to be the best Mrs. Green Country this region has ever had. I want to leave a legacy and be a blessing. Mrs. Oklahoma or not, I have complete faith that this is going to happen. Then, when I meet the state pageant judges on January 22, I am going to share my passion with them and see what happens.

I'd like to thank my wonderful husband Bobby Townsend, my fabulous friends & family, Spencer Fisher of Tulsa Gold & Gems, Gary & Ann Murphy and the fabulous team at New Day Media, Rachel Flint of Corinthian Fitness, Aspen Athletic Club at 61st & Memorial, Eddie Tillis and the Mr. Body Fat gang, Amy Moore of Men's Wearhouse, Ilquia Anderson, hair & make-up artist, Monica Epperson & the entire Blended Love board of directors, Amanda Carter, Kendy Cox, Liz Silva, and the entire team at the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative for your support and belief in me. I honestly wouldn't be able to compete without my generous sponsors. All of you remind me why I continue to compete.

Sometimes, the pageant world is far from pretty (a few ugly people can ruin the experience for so many), but when you have the opportunity to really make a difference and develop relationships that exceed your wildest expectations, the positives outweigh the negatives. I remember Nicole Johnson, Miss America 1999, speaking on stage at the Miss University of South Florida pageant about the $13 million she had raised for diabetes research -- and I still want to make a difference like that, 11 years later. I can't think of a better vehicle to spread my message of supporting children of divorce and strengthening marriage through relationship education than the title of Mrs. America. Thank you again for your support! God bless you and your families!

My Mission Statement: Supporting Families & Addressing Divorce

So many people just don't get 'this pageant thing' that I do. I compete because the little bit of celebrity status the title provides me allows me to reach many more people with my cause of supporting families and addressing divorce.

Relationship Education
I want more individuals to know what a healthy relationship looks like. I want them to feel empowered, to know that healthy relationships aren’t just for some people who came from picture perfect homes, but that healthy relationships are for them. I want more people to take advantage of the awesome opportunity to get a free research-based, skills-based education on how to build and nurture a healthy relationship. I want that love we feel on our wedding days to last. For that reason, I encourage every individual and every couple to seek out the free relationship workshops offered by the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative. We have Forever. For Real. for couples, Within My Reach for singles, Relationship U for college students, and many more programs for teens, for couples with new babies, for stepfamilies, for incarcerated individuals, and for many other groups…There are too many to list! I want everyone to know that “forever” can be “for real” and not only that, but we personally can make our relationships satisfying and lasting. For more information, go to www.okmarriage.org and www.foreverforreal.com.

Divorce Support For Children and Families
I also want to increase access to divorce support programs for youth.

My parents divorced when I was 13 and it was very difficult for my sisters and me.

Blended Love is an outstanding organization that provides real services for children of divorce. Our goal is to equip these children to deal with change in healthy ways. We have three programs to allow us to reach that goal. In our first program, we provide library resources for children, teachers, and staff about dealing with changes in the family structure. In our second program, Calm Classrooms in Turbulent Times, we teach teachers how to support children of divorce and children from changing families in their classrooms. Finally, we work hands-on with the kids in our research-based Things Change Journal Program. Through reading and writing, we help all children learn to cope with change in healthy ways.

My goal is to reach as many children and teachers as possible with Blended Love programming.

You Can Help!
You can help by writing or calling your principal or superintendent. Tell them you want divorce support programming at your school. You can also help by purchasing founder Monica Epperson’s children’s book, A Heart With Two Homes. One hundred percent of the proceeds go to Blended Love.

You can also help by educating yourself, investing in your marriage, and teaching your children to do the same. OMI programs are free – so there is no excuse! LOL When it comes to the most important people in our lives, there is always more to learn.

You can become a volunteer for Blended Love, or for the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative. We are always looking for reliable, passionate volunteers who share our values and have the best interest of children and families at heart.

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Some people have said that my goals are too broad -- that as Mrs. Tulsa, I should choose one cause or the other. But I refuse to choose. We need relationship skills and support for families now more than ever. I hope you will join me on my journey.

Nurturing Commitment

I went to Captain and Mrs. Isaac Shield's wedding last weekend, and it brought to mind all of the ideas of romance, friendship, and life-long commitment. Commitment is always high on a couple's wedding day but it can wane over time. How can we keep that spark alive after the 1-2 year honeymoon period is over?

At a one of my first marriage workshops, I asked participants to draw a picture of what marriage meant to them. I gave them examples, such as a garden that was beautiful when nurtured, and a computer, which enriches your life but is easy to mess up if you don't maintain it. My future brother-in-law was in the class and he jokingly said, "How do you draw a deep, dark pit of despair?" His then-fiance, my current sister-in-law Melissa, had drawn a picture of a hot air balloon surrounded by blue skies and a few beautiful clouds. She said that marriage was going to be blissful, wonderful, and romantic. Their responses bring up two issues: commitment and expectations. Both are discussed in Forever. For Real. workshops all over the state.

When couples divorce, the two most cited reasons include communication and commitment. Communication is a skill that can be taught, but commitment is another issue. It's an attitude, a feeling. Commitment is an issue that not only relates to our intimate relationships, but also our work ethic, our decision making skills, and our involvement in our communities. How can we change our culture so that commitment is the standard and not an exception? More importantly, how can we nurture the attitude of commitment in our homes and in our lives? Note that I am not stating that people in physically or emotionally abusive marriages should stay together by any means. Physical and emotional safety comes first. Call the Reachout Hotline at 1-800-522-9054 for immediate help. Still, I want to encourage couples who are considering divorce because of "boredom" or "falling out of love(?)" to stick it out over the long haul and nurture commitment in their relationship.

Commitment is associated with loyalty, dedication, and in relationships, sticking together when times get tough. It's tied to the values of forgiveness, optimism, and looking for the best in people. It's also about restructuring and putting effort and energy into making things right when things go horribly wrong. It's about handling this as a team and working together to get the relationship back on track. And as my brother-in-law alluded to, commitment is also tied to feeling trapped and making a choice to give up all other choices. Most of us have heard our girlfriends talk about guys with "commitment issues," and we know exactly what they mean.

Hopefully, we stay committed to our partners for reasons of love, dedication, and loyalty, but after many years together, sometimes the negative has eroded the positive so much that the social constraints of worrying about the children, finances, and personal moral reasons are the only things that keep us together. Not to worry: Over time the positives begin to outweigh the negatives again. Marital satisfaction increases and in general, couples that are unhappy right now will be happy together five years from now if they stick together and ride out the tough times. Distraught workshop attendees have said to me, "I want it to work, but I'm not in love with him anymore. My children...I don't want to hurt them."

Here are some tips to nurture the attitude of commitment in your relationships when things get a little rocky:

1. Make a list of your complaints. (It seems counter-intuitive but trust me, it works for you in the next step.)
   
2. Find a counterexample for every complaint on your list.
3. Make a list of all of the positive things about your partner including qualities and behaviors, and what he or she has added to your relationship and your life.
4. Make a list of ways that you can show your partner you care and do one of them -- whether you feel like doing it or not. This loving action will most likely lead to a cycle. Loving action plants the seeds for more loving action.

Remember: the grass isn't always greener on the other side. You can't possibly see all of the negatives about your alternatives from where you sit today. It is unfair to expect your partner to live up to an unattainable standard from the past or present or the impossible future you envision with someone else.

Forgive and be forgiven. Remembering that you are not perfect, forgive others for minor mistakes and imperfections, forgive yourself for yours, and then move past them.

For those who you are well on the side of positive commitment, bravo! Continue to nurture commitment and positive aspects of your relationship by showing your partner that you care in the ways that mean most to him or her.

For more on commitment and other issues such as forgiveness, communication warning signs, and relationship ground rules, sign up for a free Forever. For Real. workshop today.

Because marriage now comes with instructions.

Anniversary - Oklahoma Marriage Initiative ad

Have you ever heard the saying, "It's funny because it's true"? The top three topics couples argue about are sex, money, and children, and yet most couples avoid talking about these topics until a credit card bill comes in the mail, a discipline issue arises or it's the couples' anniversary and one person, and only one person, wants to have sex.

If you'd like to learn how to communicate about these issues and many more, and improve your relationship in the process, click here to find a free Forever. For Real. workshop near you!

Because marriage now comes with instructions.