October 2008

Dear friends and family,
It has been a busy few weeks!

On October 13, I finished a PREP workshop at the Tulsa Technology Center. Co-leader Corine Tripplett and I taught the material over six weeks to an enthusiastic and interactive class. It has always been my perspective that if one person's life is better because of me, I have succeeded, and several couples expressed that they were using the relationship skills we had taught them and that they had benefited from the material. The Oklahoma Marriage Initiative (OMI) has not only succeeded in preventing divorce, but for many couples (including Bobby and me) we're helping couples improve their marriages! As a volunteer, my greatest gift is knowing that other couples will have happier, healthier marriages because of the investment of twelve hours of my time.

My work with Banana Splits implementation has been slow, as many of the counselors and volunteers who expressed interest in the program seem to be over-committed this fall. It has been frustrating, but I know God has a plan and I'm willing to do by best within His constraints and on His timeline. I'm working on a new project for children and families experiencing divorce (details will be announced soon!) so it's possible that my challenges with Banana Splits will lead to creativity and projects! Please continue to pray for God's blessing and guidance in my work to serve children from changing families.

Last night I gave out candy to little princesses, ghouls, witches, Hannah Montanas and several Incredible Hulks and Indiana Jones' last night at the Stillwater Halloween / Fall Fest. The children were adorable and Lauri and I had a great time! I love going to Stillwater. I hope to be back in Stillwater for another appearance soon.

I have the Bethel Foundation Catwalk for a Cause benefit on November 7 in Oklahoma City. The foundation supports single mothers, and I know that my mom could have benefited tremendously from their tangible supports and invaluable emotional support after my parents divorce. Please check out their website to donate and purchase tickets for the Friday evening event.

I'm working on my group report project with friend and peer Kim Adams, working on an often frustrating though rewarding numerical optimization project, teaching, and studying and learning new things in my numerical diff. eqns. course. As you can imagine, my school work and teaching are both demanding and rewarding. I've been taking my work to new levels and improving my ability to communicate what I know. I've learned more about Matlab and programming than I ever thought possible and I'm passing my mathematical enthusiasm on to my students. I love to learn and I'm more confident than ever that my career choice was the right one. I enjoy the work itself -- the problems occupy my mind -- and I admit to being a little distracted -- but when the lightblub finally turns on and I find one more piece of the puzzle, it is all worth it. I love seeing my students' faces light up when they experience the same thing through their studies.

Now the next step...asking for letters of recommendation! It is my hope that the professors that I have grown to admire and respect have a positive impression of me, my work ethic, and my potential academically. Wish me luck!

I better get back to my books now! I'll be sure to write again soon.

OK Marriage Initiative All About Us Workshop

OMI's All About Us workshop is a one-day workshop especially for engaged couples!

Would you like to
* save money on your marriage license?
* know the secrets to a lasting marriage?
* keep the spark alive after saying "I do"?
* learn the tools for a lifetime of love?

This Saturday, October 4, 2008
9 a.m. — 4 p.m.
Metro Tech
1900 Springlake Dr.
Oklahoma City, OK

Click here to register!

Beauty and Substance?

Hello friends and family! What a month! School began one month ago, and I began teaching three calculus quiz sections and working on projects and courses of my own. Everything is right on schedule with work and school. I've been teaching the PREP class at the Tulsa Technology Center on Monday nights and it is going wonderfully! We have a great group of students who are eager to learn and improve their relationship skills.

On a personal note, Bobby had extensive dental surgery a week ago, and he has had some complications as well. The pain of dental work is some of the worst in the world, and he will have more procedures taken care of tomorrow morning. Please keep my husband and his healing in your prayers!

I've been on the phone a lot lately, speaking with other divorce support advocates from across the country about partnerships to take our missions to the national level. I've been talking to many people about grant money, although I'm not sure that is necessary, given the low cost of program implementation. My goal is that we would reach as many people with these support services. On the local level, I've been talking to guidance counselors at area schools to iron out the details of making a divorce support program a reality. On October 10, I'll talk with Mayor Kathy Taylor of Tulsa about my goals of establishing divorce support programs at every school in the state. It is a lot of work, and it is tough to do all of this as a full-time graduate student, TA, and with my family and social obligations, but it has been worth it. I'm looking forward to doing more!

On a lighter note, I sang the national anthem at a TU football game on Saturday night! It was a lot of fun and I think it went well. I took pictures with several students (I recognized them from Kep Hall, where I teach, but they didn't recognize me at first). Then all of a sudden, it clicked! I bet that I looked different to them with my hair curled, wearing make-up, my crown and my sash, as opposed to the no make-up, baseball cap look that I wear on a typical day at school. It's fun to get dressed up and feel like a queen, but it's also nice to show young women that while I love to feel beautiful, there is some substance there too. I'm also a volunteer and an advocate, and a future math professor and I'm proud of that. I love math and the elegance of logic. I also love challenging the stereotypes that beautiful women are dumb, or that in order to be successful, women must abandon their femininity.

My friend Janitha has a quote on her myspace page, which I copied and pasted into mine. It says, "Beauty gets attention but personality captures the heart." I think that not only does personality capture the heart, but substance captures the heart. I feel that as women, we can and should take pride in ourselves, including our appearance, femininity, intellect and character. You can be drop-dead gorgeous, but to be Miss or Mrs. Oklahoma, once you've captured someone's attention you must have something to say. We can be intelligent, driven, compassionate and beautiful. These qualities are not mutually exclusive. And we can also be successful in what is typically a man's field. Being a woman is an asset; it is not a hurdle to overcome.

I better go! I have a lot to do today - a meeting at 1:30, office hours, and class at 3:30, and then a marriage workshop in Broken Arrow. I've been busy but I love it.
I'll write again soon!

Starting a Peer Support Group for Children from Nontraditional Families

Banana Splits program, a peer support group for children from nontraditional families, shows children that they are not alone, how they are feeling is natural, and that there are positive ways of dealing with what they are experiencing. Group sessions center on issues and concerns common to children with divorced or separate parents, such as changes in the family that occur as a result of divorce, living in two houses, grief, visitation, and step-parents. Each session is one-hour and takes place during lunch hour, so that students do not miss academic activities to attend the group and so that parents do not have to the added concern of trying to find after-school transportation for their child. Younger children are separated from older children, unless the numbers are so few that only one group can be created.A typical group has 5-12 children.

Bible-based Divorce Care for Kids, Rainbows, and the Children of Divorce Intervention Program (CODIP) meet similar goals through different lessons on similar topics.

With a clear outline for teachers and volunteers to adapt for their particular community, we can get a program off the ground and help as many children as we can, as soon as possible. The sooner we help these children the better, as children will often end up coping in unhealthy ways without adult guidance and support. I've spoken many times about the need for such programming and the potential benefit such programs have for our youth. But how can we get started? What about the logistics of actually doing this? Here's a little background on how to do just that.

How to Start a School-Based Support Group

1. Create and/or copy a memo for teachers, a parent letter, and a statement for the school newsletter concerning the formation of the group. Create and/or copy age-appropriate parent tip-sheets. (If you would like a template for these letters, email me at MrsOklahoma2008@gmail.com).

2. Identifying children

* Send a memo to teachers, asking them to refer children who may benefit from participation.
* Print a notice about the new group's formation in the school newsletter.
* Speak to the school's PTA about the need for the group, the anticipated group activities and structure and the goals of the group.

3. Call parents.

* Explain the weekly topics, structure, and goal of the group.
* Screen out inappropriate referrals.
* Ask for verbal permission for their child to participate (written permission slips will be sent home with the child.)
* Communicate that learning about the family situation will help the volunteer group leader to understand the child's thoughts and feelings. Ask for a phone or in person interview or the completion of a parent questionnaire.

4. Write lesson plans / organize materials.

* Purchase the Banana Splits leader's guide or other divorce support group leader's materials. There is only a one-time fee of $50 to lead a chapter of the Banana Splits group. Contact me at MrsOklahoma2008@gmail.com for more information. Bible-based Divorce Care for Kids, and Rainbows International also have wonderful programs for children with divorced or separated parents.
* Rainbows International, Divorce Care for Kids, and CODIP all have structured materials that do not require this step. They are also more expensive. Because the Banana Splits program is less expensive and more adaptable to the specific needs of the children in your group, I tend to recommend Banana Splits for public school implemntation. Banana Splits includes suggestions for activities but leaves the order and structure of activities to the group leader. Decide how you want to organize the topics for your first group. If you'd like a sample list of topics, email me at MrsOklahoma2008@gmail.com.
* Always have enough material for two sessions prepared. It's better to have more than enough to do than to have a group of children without any planned activities for them!
* Have extra games and fun activities so that the group meeting always ends on an upbeat note.

4. Optional informational meetings

* Meeting for parents, discussing the nature and purpose of the group, with lesson plans available for parent review.
* Staff meeting, to get teachers and staff on board for the program. If a teacher does not support the group and the child is treated differently because of the teacher's opinion, group attendance may harm, more than help, a particular child. It is important that everyone is aware of the needs of children of divorce, the role of the group, and what teachers, volunteers, and staff can do to help children through this transition. Lesson plans are also available for review.

5. The first meeting may include:

* Name games and similar ice breaker activities
* Overview of what is to come, the purpose of the group.
* Making group rules.
* Closing activity, such as the Human Knot.

7. Typical group meetings include:

* Opening or "camp fire" about the past week. Everyone has a chance to share about their week.
* Lesson on divorce-related topics, for example: The Basics, Family Changes, Feelings Management, Grief, Legal Stuff, Happy Marriages, and Blended Families
* Closing activity.

8. Gather your materials for activities.
9. Send a letter to teachers informing that their students will be participating in the group on specified dates.
10. Have your first meeting!

I know this requires a lot of work, but I guarantee you that the results will be worth it. Children who participate in peer support groups see tangibly that they are not alone. They learn what they may expect in their new family life, and they gain age-appropriate coping skills that will continue to help them, for life. Children can be extremely fragile or they can be resilient. Peer support groups exist to promote resiliency.

If you need any help along the way, please do not hesitate to contact me. I would love to hear from you and I would love to help you turn what is now a dream and a goal into real community support for children from nontraditional families. You can find more information on helping children from nontraditional families on the Divorce Support page on my website www.SashaTownsend.com.

Shop for a Cause

Saturday, Lauri and I worked at a table at Macy's Woodland Hills for Macy's Shop for a Cause. Macy's supports the Go Red for Women movement and the Make a Wish foundation, and allows other local charity groups to raise money by providing discount passes in exchange for donations through the event. Lauri and I ran into the Bixby softball team and three lovely young ladies who were raising money for 4-H. We had a great time and had the opportunity to meet a lot of people, share the message of Go Red with them, share a little bit about the International pageants' partnership with Go Red, and raise money for heart-health education and the research efforts of the American Heart Association.

I'm looking forward to all of the possibilities of this partnership. One in three women die of heart disease. That statistic can change and we are the cure! I know that since I began to research I have taken better care of my own heart, and honestly, it all starts with women, making the personal choice to reduce their dynamic risk factors. We can't do anything about our family history, but we can do something about our diets, exercise plans, and our own awareness. To learn more about how to you can love your heart, visit Go Red for Women online, and check out the You're the Cure advocacy group to learn more about becoming an advocate.

I'm excited to be associated with AHA and look forward to doing more throughout my year as Mrs. Oklahoma and beyond. Like Michelle Fryatt has said again and again, it's not a cause -- it's a commitment. This isn't for a year, but for a lifetime. I know too many women who have been affected by heart disease to allow my work with AHA to end after my year of service. My first passion will always be to help families through the difficult transitions of divorce and separation, but in order to help children and families and couples, we have to be there for them, literally, and that means taking care of our health and taking care of our hearts specifically. My year as Mrs. Oklahoma is just the beginning...

Ms. Senior Oklahoma pageant

What an incredible experience! The contestants at the Ms. Senior Oklahoma pageant have inspired me for the second consecutive year. These ladies are beautiful in every sense of the word. They shared their favorite historical moments, their hobbies, and their wisdom and advice for living a fulfilling life. They showed that true beauty is present at any age. The event was presented by Grace Hospice, on September 6, at the VanTrease Center for the Performing Arts. With over 35 representatives from Oklahoma's senior living facilities and organizations, only four lovely women were crowned in the following categories: Assisted Living, Independent Living, Long Term Care and Adult Day Care.

After the pageant, I had the opportunity to speak with several of these ladies backstage. I congratulated them on their performances, and I even had a heart-to-heart with Ms. Senior Oklahoma Independent Living, Marie Wadley. She is 102 years old! She looked lovely and gave a great speech. She was thrilled and truly honored to have been awarded the title, and she is a very sweet lady. Marie was very deserving, although I admit that it was a tough pageant to judge in 2007 and I don't think it was any easier in 2008. All of the ladies had so much offer us with their inner beauty, wisdom, and sense of style. Here are some photos from the event. I only hope I can age as gracefully as these ladies.

With Ms. Peasant Valley Health Care, Beverly Kinser

With Ms. Quail Villa, Jean Frazee

(Below) With the newly crowned
Ms. Senior Oklahoma, Marie Wadley

Click here to read about Marie and her crowning!
(There is an error in the article. Although I attended the pageant
and spent time with Marie, I did not crown her that weekend.)

PREP workshop at Tulsa Technology Center

Forever. For Real.

I'm teaching a PREP® workshop this month!

At PREP workshops we give you the right tools to build the most important relationship in your life. If you are married, engaged, or single then PREP® is right for you! You’ll learn a skills-based approach to protecting your friendship, listening and being heard, solving problems together, and much more! EVERYONE is welcome to join us for this FREE, fun, straightforward approach to enhancing your relationship. Engaged couples who attend this dynamic workshop are eligible to receive their marriage license for $5.00 as opposed to the standard $50.00! Space is limited, so register today! Call 918-828-3100 to register.

I'll see you there!

Tulsa Technology Center - Broken Arrow campus
4600 S OLIVE AVE BROKEN ARROW OK 74011
Monday evenings 6-8p.m.
Sept. 8, 15, 22, 29, Oct. 6, 13

New Photos!

I've posted new photos from the Mrs. International pageant on my website! Check them out and let me know what you think!

PS - Thank you to all of my good friends in the Mrs. International class of 2008, to my brilliant and beautiful director Lauri, and to Bobby, my mom, Glenda, Ada and Auntie Queenie, for being a part of my pageant, supporting me, and sharing your photos with me! These relationships mean so much! It was a week I will never forget! Thank you for everything :) ~ I love you guys!

Progress for divorce support, new confidence through pageantry, and my upcoming school year!

Dear friends,
Thank you so much for your kindness and support during this busy time. I have just begun my third semester as an applied math student and teaching assistant. I'm teaching three classes (which are full of wonderful students, by the way!), taking Numerical Differential Equations with Dr. Shirley Pomeranz, and working on two projects in the department. Everything is right on schedule. I admire the professors and peers I am working with, and I can already tell that I'm going to learn a lot this year!

My experiences at Mrs. International have had added rewards in all aspects of my life. I'm more proactive and confident as I continue to promote divorce support for youth. As a result, we have four new prospective chapters of Banana Splits this fall! Two chapters will be located in Tulsa Public elementary schools. We will have one church-based chapter, and another school based chapter in Oklahoma City. So many children will get the help they need, and in the meantime, we are building a legacy of progress so that other schools and community centers can look to these models and establish chapters of their own. It is my belief that these divorce support programs will be so successful that every school will want one, after we can show that we are getting results. I know there will be ups and downs, and like any new program, there will be a learning curve and a period of growth, but the compassion and enthusiasm are there in our volunteers and it is my hope and prayer that every thing will move forward as it should.

I'm also beginning to believe in my mathematical abilities, my speaking skills, and my knowledge of divorce support, math, teaching, and people. I know that I still have a lot to learn -- that is certain -- but my experiences at Mrs. International showed me that I can and should be confident in my abilities. As a person with perfectionistic tendencies, I often see all of the room I have for improvement, and I strive toward that improvement, but I also tend to believe the Groucho Marx quote, "I don't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member." I've tended to minimize my accomplishments and abilities in an effort towards humility, but I've often arrived at lower self-esteem. As a result, I think I have often underestimated myself. Being named fourth runner-up at Mrs. International, and knowing that had I been more confident, I could have performed even better, has helped my attitude towards my strengths in general. I feel like Stuart Smalley on SNL, looking into the mirror and saying, "Because I'm good enough, smart enough, and dog gonnit, people like me!" That doesn't mean I'm arrogant or conceited, but I have a new appreciation for my God-given talents, strengths, and personality. I'm progressing to truly believe my grandmother's words: "You're no better than anybody else, but you're just as good." I understand it on a new level now. I'm grateful to God and the Mrs. International organization that I have learned this. I feel it was meant to be, and now I can move forward in my career, volunteer work, and social and family life knowing that I have something to offer because I'm uniquely myself. It has been a wonderful and rewarding journey, and it has just begun!

This year, my best girl-friend Stephanie is getting married and I'm her matron of honor, planning our trip to California wine country for spring break. She's getting married the week before I graduate. I'm going to be busy with Banana Splits, volunteering at one TPS school, giving classroom presentations to youth about their family structures and self-esteem, and doing fun appearances like the Tulsa Wedding Show and singing the national anthem at TU football games. I'm also attending theMs. Senior Oklahoma pageant next weekend at the Southeast campus of TCC at the Van Trease Performing Arts Center. This is presented by Grace Hospice and is a benefit for them. I had the opportunity to judge this pageant last year, and it was one of the most beautiful, inspiring things to hear the stories of these incredible elderly women and to see that true beauty is ageless. Ladies, we can still be beautiful at 99 because it is what is inside us that matters! I'll be working with unbelievably intelligent people in the math department at TU. I will be learning about math, but also learning about their habits and discipline, the qualities that make them successful, not just as mathematicians and analysts but as people. I will give up my title in April. A week later Steph will get married. And a week later my family will fly in from Florida to watch me become "Master Sasha!" We joke that I'll be Master Sasha until I become Dr. Sasha. I'm also taking better care of my heart, exercising at least 30 minutes each day and watching my diet. I've been reflecting a lot on my grandmothers and their illnesses, and thinking forward to my children, and my children's children. I want to not only be there for them, but also to be a good example of good habits for them. This is going to be an incredible year! I'm so excited!

Thank you for joining me on my journey.
Sasha

Love Your Heart

Coronary heart disease is the single major cause of death in the U.S.

Like many, I've often taken my health for granted, especially during a busy semester or other busy time in my life, when I just didn't feel that working out, going to the grocery store, or cooking healthy meals would fit into my schedule. After researching the simple steps we can all make to prevent heart attacks and increase our heart health, and after thinking about the scary "1-in-3 women" statistic, and thinking about my grandmothers, my mother, and my future children and grandchildren, I've decided to make a commitment. I am going to commit to love my heart. I'm committing to practice what I preach. As an advocate and spokesperson for women's heart health and wellness, how can I not? I owe it to myself, to my husband, and to the people I love to take care of myself. I hope you will consider making some small changes to increase your heart-health too.

Here are some simple ways that you can love your heart!
This is a summary, with excerpts, of what I read on the American Heart Association website.

• Quit smoking.
• Choose good nutrition. "A diet rich in vegetables, fruit, whole-grain, and high-fiber foods, fish, lean protein, and fat-free or low-fat dairy products is key."
  
• Reduce blood cholesterol.
• Lower high blood pressure. This is the single largest risk factor for stroke, the no. 3 killer and one of the leading causes of disability in the U.S.
• Be physically active every day. Get at least 30 minutes of physical activity 5 or more days per week.
• Aim for a healthy weight. Your body mass index (BMI) can tell you if your weight is healthy. Click here to calculate your BMI.
• Manage diabetes.
• Reduce stress.
• Limit alcohol. One drink per day on average for women and 1-2 drinks per day on average for men.
  

Keeping all of this in mind, I'm going to set two heart-healthy goals for myself at a time. Once the new habits are established, I will add new goals! For now, my goals are to do cardiovascular exercise for at least 30 minutes per day, and make sure I eat at least one vegetable per day. I have to be honest -- I love vegetables but I haven't been eating them regularly. So far today, I've had two cookies, a bowl of oatmeal, and angel hair with meat sauce, which isn't exactly a heart-healthy diet. Veggies in a can aren't very appetizing, but when Bobby and I buy vegetables, they often end up going bad in the fridge. Adjusting my diet is a lot harder to do now that I'm back in school, teaching three calculus quiz sections, working on projects, and continuing my work with Banana Splits in Tulsa and Oklahoma City. Wish me luck and feel free to follow along at LovingMyHeart.blogspot.com as I journal about my struggles and successes in building a heart-healthy life. :)

Shop for a Cause

On Saturday, September 20, Macy's stores will host Shop For A Cause with donations benefiting Go Red For Women. Make a $5 donation and receive an all-day savings pass (20% off on most purchases, 10% off on others) for select merchandise.

All of my close friends and family know that I love Macy's! I will definitely be there to support this worthy cause. If you would like to make a $5 donation and receive your all-day savings pass, email me at MrsOklahoma2008@gmail.com or give me a call if you have my number! I'm collecting donations and distributing passes as Mrs. Oklahoma. Macy's is a national sponsor of Go Red For Women. I'll see you there!