Whew! What a week!

I don't have much time to write, but I wanted to say THANK YOU to all of the wonderful people who have supported Kendall Whitter Inc. and will show their support this Thursday at "A Beautiful Night For the Neighborhood". I've never seen Forever Plaid but it's supposed to be hilarious! Thank you to all who have donated money and gifts to help families from one of Tulsa's most impoverished neighborhoods.

In the past week, I have trained with Derek Zabienski of Sedona fitness four times (and man, am I sore!). I have spoken about Time Out and Good Communication with my wonderful co-leader Pat Jonston at Family & Children's Services. I registered brides and grooms for upcoming relationship education classes at The Perfect Wedding Guide Wedding show. I ran a 5K and raised $200 for Race for the Cure (**Save Second Base!**) and gave a short interview on Fox 23 about the wonderful work of Kendall Whittier Inc., our increased need for services in these tough economic times, and our upcoming benefit, A Beautiful Night For the Neighborhood.

KWI: We're talking about real families, our neighbors in need. I know that times are tough and everyone is being more choosey with how they spend their money, but I have to tell you, a donation to KWI is money well-spent. It is money invested in our neighbors, our youth and community that will ultimately reap more benefits than we can ever imagine. I have met so many wonderful and generous people through Kendall Whittier Inc. These are people with a lot of money and a little money and everywhere in between. All of this nonprofit work has reminded me of Grandma Lim. She was generous not because of how much or what she had; she was generous because that's truly who she was. Her generosity was just an overflowing of her heart. Whether she had a lot or a little, she couldn't help but give it away. I hope to carry on her legacy. I miss you grandma. I had two of the best grandmas in the world.

I will write more soon about the past week's events! I regret to say that I forgot my camera (oh, well) but that's the way it goes. As my friend Pam Bolter once eloquently wrote for a TFTJ article, volunteering is more than a photo op! And my fellow pageant queens, volunteering is more than one more event to add to your list of appearances. I believe God has blessed each of us with so much to give and we receive it back 100-fold when we do. Volunteering is an opportunity to give of yourself, with or without a crown. And that is a beautiful thing.

Training with Derek at Sedona fitness

My first session with Derek Zabienski, my trainer at Sedona fitness, went extremely well! We worked on my chest and tricep muscles this morning. I am already a little sore. Then I followed up with 30 minutes on the elliptical.

I can't tell the world enough how grateful I am to Sedona and their team. I feel great and I know I will be bikini ready by April 17. I've already chosen my swimsuit for the state pageant. It is a beautiful, flattering red bikini swimsuit sold by Victoria's Secret. I already have this swimsuit in black and I love it! Although I'm not looking forward to giving up my favorite Italian cuisine, I know the benefits of daily diet and exercise will be worth it, in how I look, feel, and present myself, not to mention my heart health! Mrs. America must be fit in order to keep up with her demanding schedule. As Mrs. Tulsa, I'm already getting a small taste of what that is like. I'm busy right now, but everything I'm doing is worthwhile and I love it! Watch out, Mrs. America, here I come!

Thank you, thank you, thank you to my amazing trainer Derek for his insightful tips and help with proper form this morning. Also, the club is offering a huge discount right now. Membership is only $19.95 per month! In my opinion, your body, your health, and your life is certainly worth the investment of $20 per month and 30 minutes per day at the gym. The club is centrally located at 31st & Harvard. For more information on Sedona, visit them online at the Sedona Fitness Club website.

Toastmasters - Tulsa Club 148

I gave my first speech last night! It was the ice breaker speech, my opportunity to introduce myself to the club. I was honestly more nervous giving this speech than I have been in giving a speech in a long time.

I will say that I tied for best speech and my opening was great! (I admit to having using that opening a time or two before :)) Then I spoke about my community service, teaching, and my interests. I spoke about my desire to develop the skills to become a great Mrs. America and that this role of Mrs. America is a job. I feel great about the fact that I am always looking for ways to challenge myself, that I can assimilate gently-given criticism into real change, and that my passion for serving others and making a difference will always help me to be more comfortable. When I take the focus off of myself and put it on others, I always feel 100% more comfortable in my own skin.

One piece of feedback that I didn't receive from others but I gave myself last night to be kind and forgiving of your own mistakes! There will be no more labeling myself as this kind of person or that kind of person, because there comes a point when we begin to believe our self talk. If I can forgive others, I can forgive myself and stop labeling myself. I'm a work in progress and I'll be Mrs. America ready by April. I'm embracing every opportunity to improve and give to others. I can't wait to get there!

Anyway
by Mother Theresa

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest anyway.

What you spend years building,
someone may try to destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have,
and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.

You see in the final analysis,
it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway...

Conflict at Home: Stay together for the children?

I have heard so many parents say, "We fight so much that if we divorce, the kids will be much better off." Unfortunately, that may not be the case. People want to know, "Is it better to stay together for the children?" Although this is posed as a yes or no question, we have to qualify the answer if we are going to answer honestly.

First of all, I have to admit that I am biased toward marriage. If a relationship is not verbally or physically abusive, I believe that even relationships damaged by nasty words and reprehensible actions can be repaired if the will is there on both sides.

On Abusive Relationships
That being said, I would never encourage a person in an abusive relationship to stay in an abusive relationship. GET OUT. As soon as you can. If you know someone who is struggling to leave an abusive relationship, consider using some of these national resources:

*SAFELINE: a national domestic violence helpline 1-800-522-7233
*SUBSTANCE ABUSE & MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES ADMINISTRATION: a national website with links for help with substance abuse and mental health services
http://www.samhsa.gov/aboutsamhsa/contacts.aspx
*Substance abuse helpline: provides referrals for substance abuse treatment 1-800-622-HELP
*National Hopeline Network: A national hotline for suicide prevention 1-800-SUICIDE

There is no shame in leaving a relationship because of problems with aggression and violence. The bottom line is that you need to do what is necessary to ensure that you and your children are safe. Call 911 if you are in immediate danger.

In Tulsa, call DVIS, Domestic Violence Intervention Services Crisis line at 918.7HELPME.

Should We Stay Together for the Kids?
Keeping this question in mind, let's consider the outcomes for children of divorce.

Some psychologists believe that children suffer no more after divorce than they do on average, while other psychologists believe that all children suffer lasting consequences due to divorce, even children from divorces that were handled extremely well by the parents. However, most scientists agree that is the level of conflict in the home that makes the largest difference in outcomes for children after divorce. Let's look at four possibilities:

*Low conflict marriage to low conflict post-divorce parenting
*Low conflict marriage to high conflict post-divorce parenting
*High conflict marriage to low conflict post-divorce parenting
*High conflict marriage to high conflict post-divorce parenting

In this section, I am only considering the effects of divorce on the children, not the divorcing adults. Only you can decide what is best for both you and your kids.

1. Low conflict marriage to low conflict post-divorce parenting:
All divorce is painful. Even in homes where conflict was minimal before divorce and parents are excellent co-parents post divorce, children still experience the pain of the loss of their intact family. Ultimately, in this case, it is better for the children if the parents stay together. Children fare better in the intact marriage than in the post-divorce home with the same low level of parental conflict. When conflict is low, it doesn't seem to bother the children that their parents aren't romantically in love anymore. Most low conflict marriages that end in divorce become low-conflict post divorce families.

In this case, I highly recommend the couple work at staying together. You fell in love once, and with good reason. With hard work, a forgiving heart, and an open mind, you can learn to improve communication and nurture the positive aspects of your relationship. With less conflict, there is often less damage. You can rebuild a new marriage together.

2. Low conflict marriage to high conflict post-divorce parenting:
This is obviously worse for the children. This happens when married couples, who previously had reason to be civil, no longer feel the need to be civil and instead act out their frustration toward each other in front of their children. This is the least common of the four possibilities but is obviously damaging when it happens. In this case, it would have been better for the children had you stayed together unhappily in a low conflict home than to subject the children to the transition of divorce and an increase in parental conflict.

3. High conflict marriage to low conflict post-divorce parenting:
Children can benefit greatly from this scenario. Although divorce is still painful, seeing the parents resolve their differences in a healthy way and often establish healthier, happier relationships with each other and with new romantic partners is good for children. Unfortunately, many high conflict marriages that end in divorce do not result in low-conflict post divorce families.

4. High conflict marriage to high conflict post-divorce parenting:
This is the most damaging situation. Where pre-divorce fighting was the norm, the children now experience post-divorce conflict. Like possibility #1, often, conflict between the parents escalates as the parents have no reason (other than the children) to attempt to be civil. The children lose their intact family. The in-fighting that caused the divorce gets worse. Children feel more alone and insecure than ever, as they witness their parents tearing each other down often while putting the children in the middle. This can last for years, even as long as a decade in some cases. Children are affected by their parents' inability to get along long after their 18th birthday.

What to do...
First of all, I can't answer this question for you. But I can offer you questions that may help you make your decision. Considering these realities, it would seem that the best course of action depends on the state of the marriage. If you are considering divorce, do you have a high-conflict marriage or a low-conflict marriage? In either case, can you learn to repair the damage? Are you willing to? If you are in a high-conflict marriage, will conflict decrease or increase after divorce? Please be honest with yourself here. If you are both mature enough to divorce while agreeing to continue to do what is best for your children, ending a high conflict marriage in favor of a low conflict post divorce family is best for the kids. Although divorce is always painful, the decrease in conflict and the healthy relationships that will replace the previously unhappy marriage will be good for your children. Still, the individuals involved will need to work on their communication skills for future relationships. Otherwise, you risk the chance of repeating your mistakes, and having your children experience this painful transition in painful divorce after painful divorce. If divorce leads to healthier relationships down the road and less conflict, your children will fare better. If divorce leads to more conflict, your children will fare better in the intact home.

As I write this, I wonder what I would be thinking, as a unhappily married adult woman and mother, reading this post. "Do I want to stay with my partner just because he isn't mature enough to do right by our kids after our divorce? That really doesn't sound like someone I would like to be with....It doesn't sound fair to me, and yet, staying together would be best for the kids." What do you do then?

It's a tough decision and it ultimately has to be up to you. I have heard so many parents say, "We fight so much that if we divorce, the kids will be much better off." Unfortunately, that may not be the case. If you decide to divorce, rebuilding your life and learning how to co-parent with your ex is going to be one of the most challenging things you learn to do in your life. You'll have to learn to get along with your ex to do what is best for your children. If you couldn't do it when you were married, it may be even more difficult to get along after divorce. I hope this information helps you to make an informed decision.

Urban Indulgence

Last night, I indulged at Urban Indulgence hosted by Urban Tulsa Weekly at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino. It was so much fun and all for a great cause! This evening featured sweet treats, gourmet cuisine, fine spirits, rambunctious entertainment and $1,000's in prizes and giveaways. The best part? One-hundred percent of the proceeds for the night benefited Tulsa Advocates for the Protection of Children and The American Diabetes Association.

I admit to having indulged a little more than I had planned, but the cream-filled puff pastries topped with just the right amount of caramelized sugar were absolutely worth it! Mrs. Oklahoma International 2009, Rachel Roberts, and her lovely mom, were on hand, selling raffle tickets for a guitar signed by Toby Keith. Rachel is one of my favorite people. It was so great seeing her! I also met up with my friend Cassondra, a volunteer and fellow fundraising committee member for Kendall Whittier Inc. The ballroom was lined with tables offering sweets, pizza, pasta, beer, and wine. When I arrived just after 7 pm, the ballroom was packed.

I know that at $25 per person we raised a lot of money for juvenile diabetes research last night. And...did I mention the puff pastries? Eating puff pastries, ice cream, and some delectable toffee to fund research is precisely my idea of a good time. I also spend a lot of time chatting with Steve Smith of KBEZ. He interviewed me on KBEZ before Mrs. International last year, and I saw him at several events, including the last summer's Tulsa Wedding Show. I'm pretty sure Steve and I had a heart to heart while surrounded by sweets last night. He asked me a lot of good questions -- questions that I'll be thinking about for a while -- and I learned that his daughter and I have a lot in common. :) It was great seeing Steve again. He definitely got me thinking.

Cassondra and I decided that Urban Indulgence is going to be an annual event for us. Wow. As Rachel Ray would say, "Yum - o!" Hats off to Urban Tulsa Weekly for planning a wonderful event that will help a lot of children and take steps toward better treatment options and a cure.

Forever. For Real. at Family & Children's Services

This Wednesday night Pat Johnston and I co-led our first workshop of six in the Forever. For Real. workshop series at Family & Children's Services. We had a lot of students and I think everyone learned something new on Wednesday night. This is my first experience using PREP 7.0, a newly updated version of the PREP curriculum that we've been using for the past several years. I love the new version! It's much more interactive and entertaining, and I believe with my whole heart that this new approach to the same information will help people remember the concepts and apply them to their lives.

We started with some ice breaker exercises, getting the couples comfortable talking to each other and with each other about the concepts we will discuss over the next six weeks. We also discussed relationships today, what a good marriage looks like (there is no right answer by the way) and what we look for in a mate. Then the last half of the class, we got into the meat of the material. We talked about the four commuication danger signs, or four warning signs that let you know that your communication is not working. Marriages work well for different reasons. We all have different things that we are looking for in a mate. In contrast, most relationships that fail fail for the same reasons. In other words, while couples are unique in what attracted them to each other, we all tend to fall out of love because of the same relationship-damaging habits in our communication. We discussed these four danger signs: escalation, invalidation, negative interpretations and avoidance and withdrawal. We noted that all couples get into these patterns, but healthy couples exit these patterns quickly because they realize these are damaging to their relationship. If not, many negative things are said that cannot be taken back and many, many positives are needed to rebuild the relationship back to the place where it began.

Next week, we're discussing time out (and that's not putting your spouse in the corner), good communication, and events, issues and hidden issues. Week 2 will help couples exit damaging conversations, learn to speak about issues in a safe and constructive way, and get to the root of that fight about nothing that keeps happening over and over.

It's tough stuff we talk about in these classes, but the class itself is light-hearted and fun. We laugh a lot and it's more of a workshop atmosphere than a classroom atmosphere. Couples can save $45 on their marriage licenses for attending but more importantly, any couple, at any stage in their relationship, can learn something from this class and benefit from this class -- if they apply it. Just like anything else in life, you get out what you put into it. I feel so fortunate to be able to teach this material and reevaluate my own marriage. Every time I teach this class I learn something new, or recall something that is more relevant to my marriage now than it was to my marriage the last time I taught this material. It helps me become a better wife and a better helper to Bobby. To be able to give more of myself to Bobby and help others to do the same for their spouses is a great feeling. I'm glad to be a part of the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative and the good things they are doing for couples.

To find a workshop, visit www.foreverforreal.com.
Because marriage now comes with instructions.

Miss Tulsa, Miss Tulsa's Outstanding Teen

Last weekend, I attended the Miss Tulsa and Miss Tulsa's Outstanding Teen pageants, two official preliminary pageants to the Miss Oklahoma pageant and Miss Oklahoma's Outstanding Teen pageant, which in turn are preliminaries to the Miss America and MAOTeen Scholarship Pageants. This was my first official appearance as Mrs. Tulsa America 2010.

I love the MAO (Miss America Organization). The contestants were extremely talented. They had each obviously spent some time in the gym. The evening wear was breathtaking, and each of the contestants spoke confidently and eloquently during on-stage question.

I remember competing in this program in my younger days. It was tough. The interviews were challenging, and the talent (especially in Oklahoma) was incredible. Competition was fierce but the other women also became some of my closest friends. Every young woman worked hard for every category of competition and that hard work paid off. As a two-time local titleholder, and often-time runner-up and Miss Congeniality, I won over $4000 in scholarships in the Miss America program. I credit the Miss America Organization (and a very old version of Don Baker's Communications Plus notebook) for my interview skills today. I still have much to learn...but the MAO brought my Q & A skills to a whole new level.

Given my history, it was almost surreal watching young ladies competing in this slightly different version of the pageant I competed in 5-9 years ago. The pageant was so different (the fashions worn, the on-stage questions asked) and yet so very much the same.

I was there supporting my friend Megan Johnson. Megan competed beautifully! It was a tough competition to call because there were so many beautiful, talented and articulate young women, and because we didn't see the private interviews, but I was proud and happy for Megan when she was named first runner-up! Megan also won the talent competition. If you could have seen these young people, wow... winning the talent portion was a feat to be proud of in itself. The new Miss Tulsa is Talia Berning. What a lovely young woman. All of the contestants did a great job! One surprise of the evening was to see Jessica Begley, a former calculus student of mine, competing on stage. She was wonderful! The teens were adorable and talented as well. I'm so glad that young women and teens in Oklahoma have an opportunity to grow through this incredible program. I agree with Miss Tulsa 2009, Damaris Pierce, who said that Oklahoma has the best state program in the country. With back to back Miss Americas just three years ago, I have to agree. But I'm an Okie, now. I may be baised. ;) I had a great time and plan to continue to support the program by attending more locals this season.

Thank you Sedona fitness & spa!

I am pleased to announce that Sedona fitness and spa is my official fitness and skin care sponsor for the upcoming Mrs. Oklahoma America pageant! Thank you especially to Tracy Wood for believing in my ability to become the next Mrs. America. Please visit their new location at 31st & Harvard and tell them Mrs. Tulsa sent you!

When I was awarded the Mrs. Tulsa title, I have to tell you that Sedona fitness and spa immediately came to mind. I cannot say enough about Sedona! The staff is knowledgeable and welcoming, the equipment is not only effective but aesthetically pleasing, and the Sedona spa provides access to the far infrared sauna for all members. The spa is also home to the Synergie treatment, an amazing FDA approved weight loss and cellulite reduction treatment as well as the Synergie facial...tanning facilities...martial arts classes for little ones and a cardio theatre... They also have personal training available and will be training me personally for Mrs. Oklahoma. After touring the spa & the fitness center, I knew that I wanted to call this my fitness home. This afternoon I spoke with Tracy Wood, the general manager. The man is enthusiasm meets vision meets generosity. This April I'm going to be in the best shape of my life and I have Sedona to thank for it!

In the meantime, please check out their website and come work out where I work out. ;) I hope to see you there!

Tulsa Club of Toastmasters International

I had a great time at my first Toastmasters meeting tonight! As a guest, I simply listened and observed until I made my comments at the end. (Our President Meg made my first meeting very comfortable for me, and for that I'm very grateful!) It's a small but enthusiastic group, with people of varying comfort levels with regard to public speaking. Our club definitely has a workshop atmosphere. I highly suggest that anyone with interest in developing their speaking skills find a club and join now! The members are not intimidating and only wish to be your friend and help you. In addition, all of the members help each other to grow...Through giving and receiving, everyone improves their skills and contributes to each member's development and achievement of their goals. I feel so fortunate to have found this club and feel that it was meant to be! Thank you to Meg and the rest of the club for making me feel at home. Your congenial reception helped me to feel more comfortable than I expected. I look forward to attending and contributing in our next meeting!