Happy 2010!

We wish you and your family
12 months of happiness, 52 weeks of fun,
365 days of laughter, 8760 hours of service, 525,600 minutes joy,
and 31,536,000 seconds of walking closely with the Lord!

Wishing you and your family a Happy New Year!
With love, Bobby, Sasha, George, and Ronnie

The Child of Divorce Blog

Monica Epperson, the lovely founder of Blended Love, an organization dedicated to supporting children of divorce through the classroom, has asked me to contribute to a new blog. This blog is a project of Blended Love, and is titled,

The Child of Divorce:
We are the voice of children who have gone through a divorce.
We were once "the child of divorce."

Our goal is to use this blog to share our stories and experiences, to speak up for those children who are living through divorce and its aftermath right now. We want to show these children that they are not alone. We want to help other adults understand or remember what was like -- so that we can in turn remember that children of divorce need our support and attention. Children of divorce need to know that it's okay to speak up, and that many adults have had painful childhood experiences and go on to great successes in life. Many of us have experienced a trial or challenge or obstacle and use those experiences for good. I think God allows us to experience pain so that we can relate to others. When we've suffered, we're given the opportunity to be a blessing.

When I was asked to contribute to the The Child of Divorce blog, I began to worry. I began to worry about my parents, about sharing too much. I worried about how exposing my vulnerability will be seen, by some, as exposing weakness. The child of divorce I once was even worried that I would be seen as unfit, unworthy, to become Mrs. America, because of the conflict I witnessed and the pain I had been through as a teen. I realized that the children of divorce we strive to help can relate to that too. They worry about being labeled. Being lovable. Being normal. One ex-boyfriend's mom once said to me, "Sasha, you are just the picture of resiliency!" I realized that sharing, and soon following that sharing with real techniques on how to cope in a healthy way and feel better, was the best thing I could do for these kids.

I'll include my mom in the process too. I want to be certain to honor my parents, while being honest about what the divorce was like for me, and what it was like for my two younger sisters. I have no idea what it is like to be a divorcing parent. I can only speak about my experiences as a child of divorce. I called my sister Jade this morning and she had one experience that stood out to her. It was Easter Sunday. I'll share it with you too. There are so many unspoken stories. We say with a smile, "I'm fine. I have two sets of parents now!" The reality is that in some ways, we were fine, but in other ways, we were definitely not fine. I hope my willingness to share will give others the courage to speak up and do something to support children after divorce.

Save the Date!

The Oklahoma Marriage Initiative is hosting a FREE one-day relationship education Forever. For Real. workshop especially for engaged couples on February 6 at four different locations. Engaged couples save $45 on their marriage licenses by attending this event, where you will learn skills to make love last. Call 877.435.8033 to register, or you can register online. When asked "How did you hear about this event?" please click "other" and mention my name, Sasha Townsend, Mrs. Tulsa America 2010.

I will helping out at the Tulsa event, downtown at the Crowne Plaza Hotel. I hope to see you there!

About the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative

The Oklahoma Marriage Initiative has existed since 1999 and is publicly funded to reduce Oklahoma's high divorce rate and out of wedlock birthrate. We achieve this goal through free relationship education workshops, taught by trained volunteers, that are made available throughout the state. To find a workshop near you, go to Forever. For Real. or the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative online.

About the Workshops

"When it comes to the most important people in our lives,

there is always more to learn."

I agree with this with my whole heart. OMI has curricula geared toward various audiences. For the past three years, I have taught the couples workshop Forever. For Real., based on PREP (Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program), to married and engaged couples. The OMI-sponsored workshop is always FREE. It is typically 6 to 8 weeks long. We meet one night per week for two hours. Engaged couples can save $45 on their marriage licenses by attending one of our workshops. We also have a singles curriculum called Within My Reach (WMR).

OMI provides an educational approach to relationships. Workshop leaders are not counselors, but teachers, sharing what research has shown will help love last. At a Forever. For Real. workshop, couples will learn proven techniques, skills, and attitudes that help make love last forever - for real. We teach couples how to communicate well when it really counts, and provide a framework to help couples protect and nurture the positive aspects of their relationship. The curriculum is research-based and frequently updated based on new research at the University of Denver and other institutions.

We have workshops geared toward teens, singles, college students, prisoners, and new parents. Our goal is to teach communication and relationship skills to everyone, wherever we can, in a way that is appropriate and engaging for the given audience. We teach teens before they get into relationships. We teach singles who want their next relationship to work. We teach couples, who want to strengthen and enhance their relationship, ultimately preventing divorce. We also teach new parents, because navigating this wonderful and exciting change for the family can put strain on a marriage. The skills and attitudes we teach are simple but unknown for most participants, because we often lack great examples in our homes and relationship skills are not taught in school. If you're a willing student, we're ready to teach you.

"Because marriage now comes with instructions."

Harnessing the Power of Volunteers
OMI recruits, trains, and equips volunteers with the tools they need to lead relationship workshops all over the state. Earlier this fall, we hit a milestone: Over 200,000 people served! I know that OMI programs are serving their purpose because my marriage is better because of the skills I've learned through PREP. All of this is possible through the generosity, unique backgrounds, and skill sets of volunteers.

After an application process and four day training, volunteers trained in specific curriculum are able to lead as many workshops as they can organize, with full support from OMI. All participant workbooks, etc. are requested from OMI and sent to the workshop leader before the workshop begins. Newly trained workshop leaders are asked to lead a minimum of four workshops within their first year.

Here is an excerpt from the workshop leaders information page:

"In order to truly affect the marriages and relationships in our state, OMI workshop leaders need to be highly motivated and good presenters with a commitment to the work of strengthening families. The expenses of the training seminar, training materials and workshop delivery materials are provided free of charge by the Department of Human Services. Continuing education units are available for a variety of licensures for approximately 18 hours of credit including LBP, LMFT, LPC, LCSW and Licensed Psychologists. Within my Reach Workshop Leaders must have ready access to the priority population for these services, single heads of households who are economically disadvantaged and at higher risk for negative relationship outcomes."

For more information about becoming a workshop leader, click here.

Upcoming Training Opportunities:

PREP 7.0 Training
April 28-30, Tulsa
October 4 -6, Oklahoma City

Within My Reach Training
March 3-5, Oklahoma City
June 9-11, Oklahoma City

PREP Workshop Testimonials
(from the OMI website):

"This class was awesome for me, so very helpful and useful in my life at this very moment. I learned things that will help me grow as an individual person as well as the other half of a relationship team." -Workshop Participant

"This helped me understand my mate more. We are trying the speaker/listener technique. We are doing 100% better since I've been here. Thank you!" -Workshop Participant

"I feel this workshop was helpful to me as a woman. The things I learned can help me to gain a healthy and long-term relationship" -Workshop Participant

"Thank you for providing this workshop. I feel that this should be required for every couple before marriage. This workshop is a stepping stone for creating a long, lasting, happy, fulfilling marriage." -Workshop Participant

"This program has changed my views and attitudes about men, relationships, but mainly it has helped me change myself for the better. Not only can I communicate with my partner but also with my children, family, and friends."
-Workshop Participant

"I'm happy there is a structured form of communication given to try and experiment with. Not just a counselor sitting and listening to both parties complaints. Yea, a tool is given." -Workshop Participant

"The class was great! My husband and I enjoyed the day and also learned so much. In the end, my husband thought that the class was worth going to instead of going to look at bulls like we had previously planned!" -Workshop Participant

Beyond Oklahoma
I hope the information above gives you a better idea of what the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative is all about. Texas has a similar initiative, called TwoGether in Texas, and it is my understanding that their program was modeled using our very own OMI.

Oklahoma is doing something groundbreaking here. We're investing in marriage, in family, and in relationships, in a way that hasn't been done before. Over the past 10 years, the OMI staff has learned much through trial and error. We have found a lot that works and some things that didn't work, by trying everything we can to educate Oklahomans about relationships. Now other states are looking to us as an example. Click here to learn more about the history of the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative and lessons learned along the way.

Feel free to contact me if you have any further questions, and I'll try to answer them for you!

Making Christmas Special for Your Spouse

What are you getting your spouse for Christmas?

I haven't shared this on the blog before now, but Bobby was laid off at the end of August, the day after I was awarded my Mrs. Tulsa America title. Bobby found a new job, a better job, with much more opportunity about six weeks later, so the initial blow turned out to be a blessing. Still, Bobby and I aren't in a financial position to spoil each other this year. This has given us the grand opportunity to be creative: What can I give to the man who has everything in a year when we don't have as much as we're used to? How can I show my husband just how special and wonderful he is without buying him a fancy new accessory for his camera or some extravagant appliance for the kitchen? (He loves to cook!)

About 2010 years ago, our Lord gave us the most wonderful gift imaginable: His Son. He brought unconditional love, forgiveness, mercy, and reconciliation. His presence paved the way for the gift of the Holy Spirit. In turn, we were given new lives and the chance to have a personal relationship with the Creator of the universe. Christmas is about the greatest gift our God could ever give us: His Son, and through His Son, the opportunity to have a personal relationship with Him. God has given us so much, so we praise Him, glorify Him, share the good news, and pass it on. Love God and love others -- in practical ways. How can you love your spouse this year?

Here are a few ideas:
1. Give a gift of service for your spouse without expecting anything in return. Do something without being asked to make your spouse's life easier or more pleasant.
2. Offer to help your spouse with anything they need. Stop making demands and offer to be a helper instead!
3. Give the gift of kind words. Write a letter or note, telling your spouse how much he or she means to you. Point out all of their good qualities, quirks, and the idiosyncrasies that made you fall in love with him or her. You can point out the nice things they do for you, but be sure to focus more on your spouse's intrinsic qualities than their service to you.
4. Give the gift of recognition. Some people want to be recognized for their contributions. Thank your spouse for the service he or she renders for you, your family and community through their work, community involvement, or housework.
4. Give the gift of being together. Take hot cocoa on the road and drive through town to look at Christmas lights. Watch an old Christmas movie. Make s'mores in your living room.
5. Send romantic text messages just to show you care.
6. Buy some mistletoe and hang it in your house. Then hug and kiss your sweetie with no ulterior motives. Some people feel loved when they touch others. It helps them feel connected. Smooch your spouse to show your mate that you love him or her and that you find him or her physically attractive.
7. Buy thoughtful gifts under $20. Remember, it is the thought that counts! Be creative and find a gift that shows you care.
8. Appreciate the thought behind whatever your spouse buys for you. Finding the time and money for the perfect gift is tough, and it seems to get more challenging every year. Remember that your spouse did their best! Be grateful for their kindness, even if you don't like the gift.
8. Praise God for your spouse! Share what you are grateful for with your spouse and others. Thankfulness is contagious.
9. Have a spirit of forgiveness. The holidays can be stressful. Overlook minor mistakes and make the effort to reduce your partner's stress this year, not add to it. When times get stressful, look for and ask how you can help.

I hope this helps you to make Christmas and Christmas Eve special for your mate! I know Bobby and I don't have a lot of money this year, but we could never be disappointed...because I have a wonderful husband and he has me. I love him so much. His smile brings me so much joy! I try to show him my love, by being his helper and not his burden, and in giving to him, I receive so much. I am truly blessed. :)

Remember: Decide to make your relationship a priority, make it safe to connect (by forgiving and being kind to each other), and do your part to make Christmas special for your sweetie. It really is better to give than to receive! I hope these ideas work for you. Let me know how it goes! Merry Christmas Eve!

Sharing Good News, Upcoming Events for OMI

I wanted to share some good news. I met my friend, Amanda Carter, the service delivery coordinator for Oklahoma Marriage Initiative programs in the Tulsa area, for coffee at Panera yesterday afternoon. She gave me some great news: The Oklahoma Marriage Initiative offered me a position as a volunteer ambassador of the organization, and I accepted. It is an honor, but it is also a position with responsibilities that I take seriously. As an ambassador, I will promote the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative's relationship programs throughout the state. I know that it's not the title that matters, but it is often a title that opens doors, allowing you to share your message. I have seen this firsthand. As an undergraduate psychology major, I rarely had opportunities to share my thoughts and vision of supporting children after divorce. However, as Mrs. Tulsa or Mrs. Oklahoma International, I have had many opportunities to speak. It is my hope that the ambassador designation will open doors and give me the chance to further the mission of OMI: reducing Oklahoma's divorce rate and out-of-wedlock birthrate through relationship education. That is a beautiful thing!

Amanda also gave me invaluable insight regarding coordinating volunteers for Blended Love, and we had a great time catching up and talking about education. I wish I had had her help in English when I was in college and I probably could have helped her through her summer algebra class. :) Amanda and I will be distributing literature and signing up couples for Forever. For Real. events at the Tulsa Wedding Show on January 9. On February 6, we will have simultaneous Forever. For Real. events especially for engaged couples in multiple locations throughout the state. I'll be helping out in Tulsa at the Crowne Plaza Hotel. Please follow the link to save $45 on your marriage license and learn skills that will help your love to last forever (for real!).

I absolutely love teaching this material. I learn more about being a better helper for Bobby every time I teach it, so I am looking forward to leading Forever. For Real. workshops this spring. Engaged couples can save $45 of their marriage licenses by attending. Please visit the link to find a free class. I hope to see you there!

Wishing you laughter, togetherness,
and the joy that comes from God
this holiday season and in the new year!

Merry Christmas!
Love, Bobby, Sasha, George and Ronnie

PSO Parade of Lights

Thank you Aunt Tracy for loaning us your beautiful car!
Thank you Larry Fox for the signs! They were perfect!

Last night, I appeared in the PSO Parade of Lights! A special thank you goes out to Aunt Tracy and Uncle Dave for providing the convertible for the parade. Thank you also to my wonderful husband Bobby and my friend Ryan Purdy for escorting me. Also, thank you to Larry Fox for being a wonderful contact at Parade Headquarters and for having wonderful signs made for the car! I appreciate each of you so much.

The parade itself was a blast! Prior to the parade, I signed autographs for little girls and boys who were helping out in the fire department float. I met and took photos with the crash test dummies, Tom Hufford AKA Huffy the Clown of the Tulsa Firefighters' Educational Clowns, and Hornsby of the Tulsa Drillers. Tom invited me to participate in some of their upcoming parades and fire safety programs. I am thrilled to be able to help.

Hornsby's horn almost took out my crown!

We had so much fun!

With Tom Hufford, AKA Huffy the Clown,
of the Tulsa Firefighter's Educational Clowns

I also met Mrs. Tulsa International 2010, Stephanie Anello. What a sweet person! She rode in the parade immediately before me. She has a passion for helping people with diabetes, and like my husband, her husband is a hunter! He has his own hunting show called Inside Outdoors, which I thought was pretty cool! (Both my husband and our friend Ryan are hunters.) Stephanie will be a great representative of the Tulsa area and I wish her the best of luck at Mrs. Oklahoma International 2010.

While I haven't seen the footage yet, I hear that I was on television! Several people called and texted Bobby as we were driving by the television cameras. Too funny! My friend Janitha mentioned on facebook that they called me Mrs. Oklahoma 2010 by mistake. She said, "Maybe it's a sign!" :) I hope it is! But I will be happy with whatever outcome is God's will for me. Through my service as Mrs. Tulsa and the benefits of my pageant preparation, I feel as though I've already won. :) I am so grateful that my service as Mrs. Tulsa America is a part of His plan.

Thank you to Larry Fox, Kerry Rowland, and all of the staff and volunteers who made the PSO Parade of Lights possible.

Hornsby and Me. :)
Go Tulsa Drillers!

Bobby, The Crash Test Dummies, and Me :)

Bobby and the Crash Test Dummies!

Bobby took this one from the driver's seat. :)

Thank you!

I wanted to share the good news: Since I began working out at Sedona, not only do I have more energy and strength, but I have lost 6 lbs and 3 inches! Thank you to my amazing trainer Derek Zabienski and the staff of Sedona Fitness for making this possible! I still have a long way to go until I have that Mrs. America body, but I am on my way and I have Derek and Sedona to thank for it.

Things have also gone extraordinarily well at Toastmasters Club #148. I spend every Monday evening with a group of people that I admire immensely. They provide me with so much insight and advice. I know that after a few more mock interviews with the club, I will be 100% ready for my state pageant interview, my on-stage question, and most importantly, press conferences and news interviews as Mrs. America! I have always felt that serving as Mrs. America was a job, and Toastmasters is preparing me for that job. I am so grateful. I only I hope I can be as much a blessing to them as they have been to me.

Between Toastmasters, training with Derek, Mrs. Tulsa appearances, nonprofit meetings and interviews, my family, social, and church life, and my work as a math instructor at TCC, I have been more than busy this semester, but it has all been a blessing. God is constantly placing people in my path who I can learn from and who share my values. I have learned so much in the past six months and have grown because of it. It is my hope that God will use these experiences to shape me into the person He wants me to be, in order to use me to further His kingdom and serve others for His glory. I am incredibly blessed. Even my difficulties and challenges have taught me much. If I make a small difference anywhere, it is all because of my God. He deserves the glory! It is humbling and exciting to be a small part of God's incredible plan.

Thank you first to God, then to Toastmasters, Derek and the wonderful people I have met. May every experience in life bring you closer to God. :)

Midtown Martial Arts' Break-A-Thon

On Saturday, December 5th, I helped out at the Midtown Martial Arts' Break-A-Thon! The benefit took place at my gym, Sedona Fitness! My sponsors at Sedona give of themselves on more ways than one. Each of the children in attendance found sponsors who would provide $X per board. After a short warm-up, the children broke as many boards as possible! All of the proceeds went to Family & Children's Services, to purchase Christmas and holiday gifts for children in local families. It was great to see kids being taught that (1) the holiday season is about giving, and (2) that even children have something to give! They used their time and talent to give of themselves to help others, and that is a beautiful thing!

I met some wonderful, generous, supportive families. I signed a few autographs, and I even broke a board with my knee (while wearing 2 1/2 inch heels!) Not bad! ;) It warms my heart to see children gaining self-discipline and new skills, while at the same time, learning that it's not about them but about serving others. It was a lot of fun, and a blessing to me to see children learning to give and learning that even as youngsters, they have something to offer.

School Assembly and Classroom Presentation at Skelly Elementary

On December 4, I spoke to the 3rd, 4th, and 5th grade classes of Skelly Elementary at their Student of the Month assembly. My speech focused on a key component of the PREP curriculum as applied to everything in life: Decide, Don't Slide!

The speech was about making a difference and making conscious decisions to do what is right, rather than sliding into behaviors that may be easy or comfortable. The school also welcomed two new Partners in Education: Bounce U, and On the Border. Partners in Education adopt local schools and agree to support them. What a special blessing! And what a special school! Ever since my first visit to Skelly, it was clear to me that the leadership was guiding children to become productive young men and women of character. I wish I could adopt Skelly Elementary!

Immediately following the assembly, I visited with Mrs. Mills' 5th grade class for the second time. I love these kids. The first time we visited, I didn't have the chance to finish the goal-setting presentation, so I finished the goal-setting presentation on December 4. I look forward to visiting Mrs. Mills' class again in the new year!

BMX Grand Nationals

On the day after Thanksgiving, I had the privilege of singing the national anthem at the BMX Grand Nationals in Tulsa. Aside from the Olympics, the BMX Grand Nationals is the largest BMX event of the year. The three Olympic medalists, including the gold medalist from Latvia and the silver and bronze medalists from the USA, were in attendance and competing in this amazing competition.

The Expo Center was quite a sight! There was dirt everywhere! It was also an entirely different culture. Almost every person I met was on wheels. :) To say that the track was difficult is a huge understatement. Athletes from age 4 to age 60 competed -- and athletes of all ages competed on the same extremely difficult track. In many cases, it was a family affair, with young children and their parents and even grandparents competing the same day. I was impressed at their skill and athleticism. It was an honor to sing for such talented athletes and their very supportive families.

I'd like to thank Whitney Miller from the Tulsa Sports Commission for giving me this opportunity to sing, and Cheryl Northness of the Tulsa Drillers for recommending me. I love singing the national anthem! Healthy competition, sports, and the national anthem: It doesn't get much more American than that! It's also a neat bit of history that the Mrs. America program initially supported the National Anthem Project before adopting the larger cause of supporting music education. I'm glad to be able to share my voice and express the love of my country through song. This event was a blast and unlike any other sporting event I have ever attended! Hopefully, I'll have the opportunity to sing at other sporting events throughout the state in the future.

Speaking to Mrs. Mills' Class at Skelly Elementary

On November 19, I spoke to the students in Mrs. Mills' 5th grade class at Skelly Elementary. What a great group of children! We talked about self-talk, self-esteem, goal-setting, and acceptance. The students also had a lot of intelligent questions about pageantry. They are a very sweet, very affectionate group of kids, and they gave me a huge group hug at the end of class. I look forward to seeing them again soon!

Speaking to the Boy Scouts

On November 20, I spoke to a group of young boys, grades 1 through 4, at a cub scouts gathering at Lanier Elementary. I spoke to the boys about doing their best, achieving their dreams, and using the gifts to make a difference. It was a lot of fun, and I'm pretty sure that I got them thinking! I wish I had had the opportunity to take photos. :) I'm sure I will next time I speak to them. I look forward to spending more time with the boy scouts in the near future.

The Bethel Foundation Open House

The Ribbon Cutting

This year November, the Bethel Foundation, a wonderful local nonprofit serving single mothers, celebrated five years of service. Through a series of fateful events, the foundation was blessed with a new building within their budget. On November 14, I witnessed the ribbon cutting, toured the new building, and discussed education, service, helping others, and God's blessings with founder Lynda Powell and many other Bethel foundation volunteers and supporters. I was so happy to be able to share this special moment with them.

Here are a few photos from the event.

All-American Idol

On November 13, I had the honor and responsibility of judging the Bethel Foundation's All-American Idol. This American-Idol style event was hosted by Megan Joy, the phenomenally talented vocalist from American Idol's Season 8. A single mother herself, she contacted the Bethel Foundation last spring, expressing an interest in supporting the great work they are doing for single moms. She has a fun, spunky personality and when I heard her sing, wow! I had goosebumps! She will be a wonderful asset to the foundation for years to come.

The show featured 20 talented finalists from all over the midwest. It was tough to judge, but in the end, Raymond Mobley was selected as Bethel's own All-American Idol. He has the whole package: an incredible voice, stage presence, and a marketable look and personality. I gave him a perfect score. He won a recording contract and promotional contract for the next several years. I am sure that we will all be hearing more from Raymond in the near future.

I was delighted to spend time with the lovely Heather Rouba, Mrs. Oklahoma America 2009. She has selflessly served many organizations this year, including the Bethel Foundation. It is my understanding that Heather found make-up artists and hair stylists for the event. She is constantly, selflessly giving of herself, her connections, her time and talent, without asking for any recognition in return. She is truly epitomizes what the Mrs. America organization is all about. Mrs. Oklahoma America 2010 will have large shoes to fill! Heather is truly a servant-leader and also a great friend. She also recently took on a new role as partner with a new modeling agency, the Anthony David Agency, at 30 years old. It's amazing to see so many of God's blessings and gifts in a single person. I'm honored to call her my friend.

This was my second year appearing at Bethel's annual benefit, and I'm delighted to have been a part of it. Bethel provides food, Christian counseling, emergency housing, career and educational counseling, and much more to single mothers in need. This is the heart song of founder, Lynda Powell. God has blessed her vision and mission tremendously, and she and her volunteers have in turn been a blessing to moms across Oklahoma. I'm thrilled to support what they do and happy to help in any way I can.

I'd like to say a special thank you to Miss Rachel Hart who did my make-up for the show! I have never felt so beautiful! Thank you for helping me to look better than my best has ever been!

Prashe Fashion Show

On November 7, I modelled in the Prashe Fashion Show at the Waterford Marriot in Oklahoma City. It was so much fun! I met up with my new friend Kristie Patton (We met at the first Prashe show the previous weekend) and I made many new friends: very sweet, beautiful young ladies and young men who were modeling in the show. Prashe's designs are beautiful! Check them out at her website. It was extremely fast paced and required team work in addition to modeling skills. I love the creativity, self-expression, and team work aspects of the entire beauty and fashion industry. I am intrigued and want to learn more! Thank you to Heather Rouba for thinking of me for this show.

The following photos do not do the event any justice! Still, here are a few photos from the event.

Update

Hello friends and family,
It has been a busy month! While I have uploaded my photos from my November and early December appearances, I haven't had time to sit down and write about them. It's the end of the semester. I am preparing to administer final exams, finishing up some grading, and submitting grades this week.

I also had my first experience as Toastmaster last week (Thank you to everyone, but especially Mike Dobbs, for making this first-time experience as painless as possible). I have been giving presentations to Mrs. Mills' 5th class, I spoke to a very young group of boy scouts, and I spoke to the third, fourth, and fifth grade classes at Skelly Elementary's student of the month assembly last week. I have had so much fun and I have learned as much from these students as they have probably learned from me. I am finding it much harder to relate to children at 27 years old than I found the same task when I was 19 or 20. It's just been so long since I was 10! I also did some modeling in November (which was fun and is helping to fund the pageant expenses), celebrated my wonderful sister-in-law Carla's (29+1)-th birthday, had a beautiful Thanksgiving dinner at my sister-in-law Melissa's home, and sang the national anthem at the BMX Grand Nationals, the biggest BMX event of the year (other than the Olympics).

I was also elected Vice President Public Relations of our Toastmaster's club. My experiences in Toastmasters have been so helpful to me. It is my hope that my participation, preparation, and public relations efforts will benefit others and introduce new people to our wonderful organization. Visit our club online.

I am looking forward to doing more with Blended Love, a wonderful Tulsa-based organization that supports children of divorce in public schools, and continuing to support Kendall Whittier, Inc.'s programs, especially the new Fab Lab project, this year. I look forward to teaching many more marriage workshops for OMI as well!

While I find myself looking ahead a lot as 2009 comes to a close, I am doing my best to take the time to enjoy the present moment, to serve in small ways where I am, and to always give the glory and honor to God, where it belongs. I am confident and excited about the future because I know I'm the daughter of an amazing all-powerful God! But I also know I'm only human and I have so much room to grow and so much to learn. God's greatness is most evident in our weakness. My prayer is that He'll use every part of us, strengths, weaknesses, personality quirks, and all that He created us to be, for His glory this year.

I'll update the blog with photos and entries about my events soon!
May God bless you and your families during this wonderful season.

Sasha Townsend

OMI is in search of Oklahoma's Most Inspiring Couples!

Do you know a couple that has truly inspired you? This is your opportunity to share your story and their story with the rest of Oklahoma. The Oklahoma Marriage Initiative recently launched a search for Oklahoma's Most Inspiring Couples, in partnership with The Oklahoman, Newsok.com, and Wimgo.com.

Do you know a couple that has overcome numerous obstacles, exemplifies a strong commitment, works well as a team, serves the community together, or has lived an extraordinary life? Whether they are family members, coworkers, or friends, OMI wants to hear about them!

The deadline for nominations is December 1. Please forward the link below to your family, friends and associates so that we can receive nominations from a diverse base from which to select the top 12 winners. These couples will be featured in The Oklahoman and a 13-month calendar. Their stories will also be highlighted at the multi-location Forever. For Real. events on February 6, 2010.

To nominate a couple who has inspired you, go to www.newsok.com/inspiringcouples.

Psychological Tasks of a Child of a Divorce

A Synopsis of Wallerstein's 1982 paper.

In the summer of 2003, I won a Miss America local pageant in upstate New York. I thought it was an unlikely win, because I had taken a huge risk on a new platform. I had changed my platform from arts education (which had been my platform for years) to advocacy for children of divorce after writing a research paper on the effects of divorce on children for my English composition class. As a child of divorce, the paper affected me profoundly. When the excitement of the new title had settled, my director Greg asked me, "What do you want to accomplish with this platform? What can you do about it as Miss America?" It was an excellent question. If truth be told, at the beginning I just wanted to be heard. I wanted to increase awareness of the fact that children of divorce need help, much more help than they (we) were receiving. I thought long and hard about this. I asked myself, "What kind of help do children of divorce need?" In addition to simply being heard, I found more information through research. Here is some of what I found.

In her 1982 article, The Psychological Tasks of the Child, Judith Wallerstein identifies six tasks, in addition to the usual tasks of childhood, that must be mastered by children of divorce in order for them to achieve closure.

1. Acknowledging reality of the split. Children must understand that their parents are getting divorced and they must understand the reasons for it.

• Timeline: It usually takes one year from the time of the announcement of the divorce for children to master this.
• How Adults Can Help: Begin a dicussion to find out why the child thinks that the parents are getting divorced. Address the child's fantasties of why his or her parents are splitting up. Make it clear that it is not the fault of the child and that (if it is true), that the child was born into a loving family. Continue to be available to the child to discuss this as their feelings change and they reevaluate what happened to their family.

2. Disengaging from parent conflict and distress and resuming age-appropriate activities. Parental conflict drains children of the energy necessary to focus on the typical tasks of childhood, emotionally and outwardly. When children are comforting their parents, parenting their siblings, attempting to reunite their parents or acting out to get attention, they don't have the time and energy to study, socialize and play.

• Timeline: It is usually mastered within the first year when post-divorce co-parenting is handled well. With high levels of post-divorce conflict, children will likely be affected by parental conflict until the conflict ceases or the adult child leaves their custodial parents' home. In this case, the child may struggle to master this task indefinitely.
  
• How Adults Can Help: Protect your children from parent-to-parent conflict. Teach children and youth from high conflict post-divorce families to communicate wishes to their parents concerning this, to accept the reality of their parents' behavior, and learn to cope positively by focusing on what they can do to help themselves. Guide children and youth toward focusing on age-appropriate activities.
  

3. Resolution of multiple losses associated with divorce. Children of divorce experience the loss of the daily presence of a parent, familiar routines, traditions, and more. Many children feel victimized & powerless or rejected & unworthy.

• Timeline: According to Wallerstein, this task takes longer to achieve than the first two. It is more difficult to achieve when the children are continually disappointed by an unreliable, disinterested or absent parent.
• How Adults Can Help: Be a reliable, interested, available person in the life of a child of divorce. Help the children recognize that their parents are not perfect, and that that parental imperfections are not reflected in the child. (Many children of divorce wonder, "If mom says dad is a dead-beat, what does that make me?") Help the child establish traditions in the new family, recognize their own value, and gain a sense of control. Teach children that it is how they handle adversity that matters.

4. Resolving Anger. Since people are responsible for a divorce, children tend to get angry at someone (a parent, both parents, or possibly themselves) for causing it.

• Timeline: This usually passes with time.
  
• How Adults Can Help: Tell children that the divorce is not their fault. Teaching coping skills to help children to express anger and other negative emotions well. Help children to understand their feelings and where they are coming from through journalling. Help the child to understand the reasons for the divorce. Teach children about forgiveness.

5. Acceptance of the permanence of the parental split.

• Timeline: This happens over time but can be lengthened if one parent continues to hope to get back together and involved the children.
• How Adults Can Help: Parents can make it clear that divorce is permanent. Teachers and other adults in the lives of children can make it clear that divorce is usually permanent. Do not encourage the fantasy.

6. Establishing hope for romantic relationships as adults.

• How We Can Help: Parents and other adults can show their children and teens that new relationship skills can be learned and that healthy relationships are possible. This is best done by example. Take a relationship enrichment Forever. For Real. course as offered for free by the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative. Talk about some of the concepts discussed with your children.

In reading this list, it is clear that parents make a huge difference in how well their children will adjust after divorce. In my experience, I have seen many parents try to make it clear that the divorce is going to happen and that the divorce is not the child's fault (helping the child with tasks 1, 4, 5). However, when it comes to tasks 2, 3, and 7, the child feels isolated and is left to create coping mechanisms to handle these tasks on their own. The coping mechanisms created by these children are not always healthy. Far too often, parents are unable or unwilling to help their children with the tasks above. Meanwhile teachers are trying to teach math and reading to students that are distracted, distraught, and/or acting out because of their experience of what is happening in their homes.

As caring adults, there is so much we can do! Peer support groups for children of divorce and training for professionals in our religious organizations and schools can be built around these six tasks. I am biased toward supporting children through school-based programs for the sake of practicality. As a former child of divorce, I know that transportation is often an issue for single parents. The best way to help children and families is to meet them where they are: in the public schools. I will write more about how Banana Splits, Blended Love, and similar programs, help children master these six tasks in the near future.