OMI is in search of Oklahoma's Most Inspiring Couples!

Do you know a couple that has truly inspired you? This is your opportunity to share your story and their story with the rest of Oklahoma. The Oklahoma Marriage Initiative recently launched a search for Oklahoma's Most Inspiring Couples, in partnership with The Oklahoman, Newsok.com, and Wimgo.com.

Do you know a couple that has overcome numerous obstacles, exemplifies a strong commitment, works well as a team, serves the community together, or has lived an extraordinary life? Whether they are family members, coworkers, or friends, OMI wants to hear about them!

The deadline for nominations is December 1. Please forward the link below to your family, friends and associates so that we can receive nominations from a diverse base from which to select the top 12 winners. These couples will be featured in The Oklahoman and a 13-month calendar. Their stories will also be highlighted at the multi-location Forever. For Real. events on February 6, 2010.

To nominate a couple who has inspired you, go to www.newsok.com/inspiringcouples.

Psychological Tasks of a Child of a Divorce

A Synopsis of Wallerstein's 1982 paper.

In the summer of 2003, I won a Miss America local pageant in upstate New York. I thought it was an unlikely win, because I had taken a huge risk on a new platform. I had changed my platform from arts education (which had been my platform for years) to advocacy for children of divorce after writing a research paper on the effects of divorce on children for my English composition class. As a child of divorce, the paper affected me profoundly. When the excitement of the new title had settled, my director Greg asked me, "What do you want to accomplish with this platform? What can you do about it as Miss America?" It was an excellent question. If truth be told, at the beginning I just wanted to be heard. I wanted to increase awareness of the fact that children of divorce need help, much more help than they (we) were receiving. I thought long and hard about this. I asked myself, "What kind of help do children of divorce need?" In addition to simply being heard, I found more information through research. Here is some of what I found.

In her 1982 article, The Psychological Tasks of the Child, Judith Wallerstein identifies six tasks, in addition to the usual tasks of childhood, that must be mastered by children of divorce in order for them to achieve closure.

1. Acknowledging reality of the split. Children must understand that their parents are getting divorced and they must understand the reasons for it.

• Timeline: It usually takes one year from the time of the announcement of the divorce for children to master this.
• How Adults Can Help: Begin a dicussion to find out why the child thinks that the parents are getting divorced. Address the child's fantasties of why his or her parents are splitting up. Make it clear that it is not the fault of the child and that (if it is true), that the child was born into a loving family. Continue to be available to the child to discuss this as their feelings change and they reevaluate what happened to their family.

2. Disengaging from parent conflict and distress and resuming age-appropriate activities. Parental conflict drains children of the energy necessary to focus on the typical tasks of childhood, emotionally and outwardly. When children are comforting their parents, parenting their siblings, attempting to reunite their parents or acting out to get attention, they don't have the time and energy to study, socialize and play.

• Timeline: It is usually mastered within the first year when post-divorce co-parenting is handled well. With high levels of post-divorce conflict, children will likely be affected by parental conflict until the conflict ceases or the adult child leaves their custodial parents' home. In this case, the child may struggle to master this task indefinitely.
  
• How Adults Can Help: Protect your children from parent-to-parent conflict. Teach children and youth from high conflict post-divorce families to communicate wishes to their parents concerning this, to accept the reality of their parents' behavior, and learn to cope positively by focusing on what they can do to help themselves. Guide children and youth toward focusing on age-appropriate activities.
  

3. Resolution of multiple losses associated with divorce. Children of divorce experience the loss of the daily presence of a parent, familiar routines, traditions, and more. Many children feel victimized & powerless or rejected & unworthy.

• Timeline: According to Wallerstein, this task takes longer to achieve than the first two. It is more difficult to achieve when the children are continually disappointed by an unreliable, disinterested or absent parent.
• How Adults Can Help: Be a reliable, interested, available person in the life of a child of divorce. Help the children recognize that their parents are not perfect, and that that parental imperfections are not reflected in the child. (Many children of divorce wonder, "If mom says dad is a dead-beat, what does that make me?") Help the child establish traditions in the new family, recognize their own value, and gain a sense of control. Teach children that it is how they handle adversity that matters.

4. Resolving Anger. Since people are responsible for a divorce, children tend to get angry at someone (a parent, both parents, or possibly themselves) for causing it.

• Timeline: This usually passes with time.
  
• How Adults Can Help: Tell children that the divorce is not their fault. Teaching coping skills to help children to express anger and other negative emotions well. Help children to understand their feelings and where they are coming from through journalling. Help the child to understand the reasons for the divorce. Teach children about forgiveness.

5. Acceptance of the permanence of the parental split.

• Timeline: This happens over time but can be lengthened if one parent continues to hope to get back together and involved the children.
• How Adults Can Help: Parents can make it clear that divorce is permanent. Teachers and other adults in the lives of children can make it clear that divorce is usually permanent. Do not encourage the fantasy.

6. Establishing hope for romantic relationships as adults.

• How We Can Help: Parents and other adults can show their children and teens that new relationship skills can be learned and that healthy relationships are possible. This is best done by example. Take a relationship enrichment Forever. For Real. course as offered for free by the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative. Talk about some of the concepts discussed with your children.

In reading this list, it is clear that parents make a huge difference in how well their children will adjust after divorce. In my experience, I have seen many parents try to make it clear that the divorce is going to happen and that the divorce is not the child's fault (helping the child with tasks 1, 4, 5). However, when it comes to tasks 2, 3, and 7, the child feels isolated and is left to create coping mechanisms to handle these tasks on their own. The coping mechanisms created by these children are not always healthy. Far too often, parents are unable or unwilling to help their children with the tasks above. Meanwhile teachers are trying to teach math and reading to students that are distracted, distraught, and/or acting out because of their experience of what is happening in their homes.

As caring adults, there is so much we can do! Peer support groups for children of divorce and training for professionals in our religious organizations and schools can be built around these six tasks. I am biased toward supporting children through school-based programs for the sake of practicality. As a former child of divorce, I know that transportation is often an issue for single parents. The best way to help children and families is to meet them where they are: in the public schools. I will write more about how Banana Splits, Blended Love, and similar programs, help children master these six tasks in the near future.

Prashe Trunk Show

It was a beautiful day at the the Skirvin Hilton Hotel in downtown Oklahoma City, for the Prashe bridal and trunk show. The extremely talented Prashe and her team design inspired Indian bridal attire and decor. The location, the models, the talented hair dresser Ilquia Anderson and fabulous make-up artist April Mary, the vendors and most importantly Prashe's beautiful Indian creations... All of it was absolutely beautiful! I was impressed again and again by the beauty and detail of the clothes I wore today, and I loved both my hair and make-up! Thank you so much to the team who put on the show today. Everyone did a fantastic job.

I met some wonderful people, including my new friend Kristie Patton! Kristie was 2nd runner-up at the Mrs. Oklahoma America pageant last year, and I can see why. She is absolutely beautiful in every sense of the word. She has personality, beauty, brains, and heart. I'm so glad we met! I hope we'll see each other again soon!

I have to say a big THANK YOU to Mrs. Oklahoma 2009, Heather Rouba, for contacting me about this job, helping to train me on the differences between walking for modeling and walking for pageantry, and for her friendship and example. I feel so blessed to know her. I can't articulate what an incredible Mrs. Oklahoma Heather has been. For now, let's just say she integrates intelligence, fashion, glamour, style, service, values, and a sincere and pure heart in a way that I have never seen in another person. And she has no idea how beautiful she is. I admire her so much. Thanks for everything, Heather. We love you and I'm proud to have you representing Oklahoma!

The Prashe fashion show takes place next Saturday in OKC! Stay tuned for more details!

Don't forget!

Fall Back! Enjoy an extra hour of sleep tonight.
At 2 AM, you can set your clock to one o'clock.
I LOVE Daylight Savings Time (especially in the fall.) :)

2009 Tulsa Run

I ran the 5K this morning in the Tulsa Run! I feel great! This year's run benefited LIFE Senior Services and the YMCA of Greater Tulsa. Please visit the links to learn more about these wonderful organizations.

I was proud to represent Tulsa and the Mrs. Oklahoma America organization in this wonderful local tradition. I can't wait to do it again next year!

Happy Halloween!

Bobby and I would like to wish everyone a Happy Halloween!

Have fun and be safe tonight!

HallowZOOeen

With my partner in crime, Christy Brock

Last night, I had a blast at HallowZOOeen! As a volunteer game attendant, I staffed the Jack-O-Lantern Toss with fellow volunteer Christy Brock. Christy is such a sweet person. At the beginning of the evening, I manned this station by myself. I was going behind the jack-o-lantern, picking up bean bags, bringing the bean bags to the next child in line and handing out candy as prize, all at pretty much the same time. It was very fast paced, quite a sight and definitely amusing! Many parents helped by passing me bean bags. Someone noted that I am going to have great quads after doing all of those squats! LOL Then Christy came (my hero!) and we worked together to make the game as fun as possible for the kids!

Our station - The Jack-O-Lantern Toss

Bobby took this photo of me in our living room
I was a Mrs. Tulsa princess.

All of the volunteers were given the opportunity to dress up. I thought, "Little girls always ask me if I'm a princess. Why not just go with it?" I dressed up, wearing my crown and sash, with one goal in mind: to be as princess-like as possible. I brought two extra tiaras for the girls to try on and they loved them! My only wish was that I had enough tiaras to give one to every girl. It was so hard saying no when they asked me if they could keep it! I said, "If I let you take it, then no one else will be able to try it on." This is a lesson learned. Many people asked, "Are you the real Mrs. Tulsa?" I took lots of photos with ghosts and goblins of all kinds -- from scary princesses to witches to super heroes. The children were so adorable in their costumes and very sweet. They were generally very determined to do well in the Jack-O-Lantern toss and that was really cute too.

I was so busy working that I didn't have a chance to take many photos once the Pumpkin Patch Playroom got busy, but I have a couple of photos with kids that I took for parents who didn't have cameras. I emailed the photos to them just before I sat down to write this. At the end of the night, I was wiped out but the evening was a huge success! I think the kids had a great time and parents were happy to have a place to go where the kids can get safe candy. I can't wait to go back to the zoo to volunteer again next year. If you don't have plans, HallowZOOeen is also open tonight from 6:30 to 8:30 PM. Tickets are $6 for members and $7 for general admission.

Have fun and be safe tonight! ~ SMPT

With Two Scary Princesses

With a precious ladybug princess - so cute!

Tulsa Zoo's 20th Annual HallowZOOeen!

Join me tomorrow night, October 30, at Tulsa Zoo's 20th annual HallowZOOeen! I will be volunteering at this spooky, but not too scary Halloween adventure where boys and ghouls can trick-or-treat in an evening of safe family fun! HallowZOOeen is open on Halloween night as well. I hope to see you there!

Tulsa Zoo and Living Museum
6421 E 36th St N, Tulsa 74115
$6 for members, $7 general admission
6:30 - 8:30 PM

Coming Up November 13: Bethel Foundation's All American Idol

Oklahoma's Bethel Foundation, a non-profit organization supporting single mothers, is excited to announce its first annual "All American Idol" competition. The event will take place on November 13 in Oklahoma City at the Coca Cola Bricktown Events Center. The foundation was recently contacted by Megan Joy from the Fox Network's American Idol Season 8. Megan expressed her desire to assist in raising money for the organization that helps get single mothers back on their feet. This event will not only increase funds and heighten awareness for Bethel Foundation, but also give upcoming artists a chance to display their talents and take the next step in their career. There are some amazing artists competing on the final night. Please bring a guest. This event is open to the public.

The Bethel Foundation provides help for single moms - by helping moms to find temporary housing, complete the college application and financial aid application processes, and find work and pursue career advancement opportunities. The foundation also provides necessities in times of struggle. I remember my mom working full time, going back to school, and rebuilding her life, all of this while raising three girls on her own. I know she could have benefited tremendously from such a program and that there are many more women out there who can benefit from the tangible help and hope provided by the foundation.

Mrs. Oklahoma 2009 Heather Rouba and I have the honor of serving as judges for the event. Don't miss it!! Find out more and purchase tickets: All American Idol.

My Platform Has a New Name...Family Matters

My platform has a new name! I chose the name "Family Matters" because it encompasses my primary messages:

First, family matters:
(a) Children of divorce and children experiencing instability in their home lives are often unable to reach their potential in the classroom (academically as well as socially) because we as adults and as a community fail to recognize and address this family instability. This part of my message focuses on the problem and negative impacts of the problem of lack of support for children from nontraditional families.

(b) Children whose parents have a healthy, thriving marriage tend to do better socially and academically.

(c) A healthy, satisfying marriage enriches every area of your life. Individuals in self-reported happy marriages tend to do better in their roles at work, home, and in the community. Of course, happy marriages are rewarding in their own right as well. I believe marriage teaches us to be better people.

Second, Family Matters expresses that the solution to the problem is to discuss and address "family matters".
(a) Peer support and educator training focus on helping children accept the new family status, showing them tangibly that they are not alone, that how they are feeling is natural and that there are ways to help themselves feel better -- while helping the adults in their lives to guide children to develop healthy coping skills.

(b) The secrets to a happy, lasting, satisfying marriage can be learned! We can do so much to enrich our relationships including protecting our relationships from negative, eroding patterns of interaction, handling issues well, learning to solve problems from a teamwork mindset, clarifying and communicating our expectations and protecting and nurturing fun, friendship, sensuality, sexuality, and spirituality -- all of the things that make relationships wonderful.

(c) When we choose, as a community, to embrace the fact that family matters and educate ourselves, do our part, and make conscious decisions to make healthy relationships and guidance for children a priority, all of our community benefits. No man is an island. We're all connected to each other. The health of a family increases the health of our community -- and that is a beautiful thing.

My service goals are to
*to educate the community about the experiences of children of divorce and the need for relationship education,
*to offer individual and community-based solutions to help children and youth,
*to increase access to divorce support programming,
*to connect students, parents and educators to divorce support programming,
*to connect individuals to relationship classes,
, and
*to build on strengths to help students and families recognize their self-worth and develop a strong, healthy family identity, make healthy choices, and meet their potential.

This summer, I began research to start a 501(c)(3) nonprofit under this name, but I quickly found that that course of action is unnecessary. Oklahoma has MANY wonderful nonprofits and private / public partnerships that support families in these ways and others, including the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative, the Bethel Foundation, Blended Love, Calm Waters, Divorce Care for Kids, Divorce Care, Kendall Whittier, Inc., Family & Children's Services, and many more organizations throughout the state that do what they can to support families and help them gain or regain to stability. There is no need for another organization to compete for funding while trying to meet the same needs. Instead, I'm focusing on connecting people to these resources and working with existing organizations using the skills, knowledge and connections I have to try to help them achieve their missions and make their visions a reality. Please contact me if there is anyway I can help. Enough about me and my goals...I hope you like the new name! I will post developments soon!

Forever. For Real. at Stokely Event Center

I had a great time today at the Forever. For Real. one day event for engaged couples at the Stokely Event Center. Stokely is such a fun location! There were huge signs everywhere, and free arcade games available to our engaged couples. I had to play a couple of games of ski ball! It was a lot of fun!

Love was definitely in the air, as evidenced by a lot of hand-holding, kissing, and learning as we presented highlights of the PREP curriculum: communication danger signs, time out, speaker-listener technique, expectations, issues & hidden issues, protecting the good stuff, forgiveness, and commitment. Amanda Carter organized this wonderful event where workshop leaders Lauren Gould Alvarez and Terry Buxton engaged the crowd of 125 people. They are both such great speakers! OMI coaches Gary, Otis, Terra and I assisted and coached couples throughout the day as they practiced their new techniques. We also celebrated Otis's birthday! Happy birthday, Otis! I will post more on PREP content soon (when I have more time!).

"It's a such a God thing!" - my friend Hayden Rush
I had the opportunity to share my platform of divorce support and divorce prevention with all of these people. I feel that in the few minutes I spoke, my sincerity was clear. I had many divorced parents approach me about support for children of divorce in their schools and communities. I met new people and rekindled old relationships with others who have the same heart, people who recognize that academic achievement and social and relational development suffer when there is instability in the home. I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I think God is finally opening the doors to allow me to reach children of divorce through school programs. Please pray for receptive principals, wisdom and guidance, and success in establishing divorce support programs in schools! Even as we approach public schools with secular programs and Christian schools with Christian programs, I know that supporting suffering children and families is God's work. I pray for these children and families every day. This is my ministry. I can't wait to see what God has planned next! Stay tuned...As details are finalized, I'll let you in on the good news!