Speaking at the Oklahoma State PTA Convention

On Saturday, July 26, I had the very exciting opportunity to address PTA presidents and volunteers from across the state at the Oklahoma PTA convention about advocacy for children of divorce. I was very excited and a little nervous about this appearance, because I knew that these were the people I needed to talk to. I thought to myself, "If I want to make a difference for children of divorce in Oklahoma through school-based peer support programs, these are the folks I need to convince."

So I began with a pageant question to break the ice, helped the adults in the room to understand the multiple losses that children of divorce experience every day, and then asked for action. I asked the PTA leaders to call their school superintendents, to talk to their principals and guidance counselors, about implementing programming for children of divorce. I offered to help with fund-raising and laying the groundwork for pilot programs. This is so important -- not just to me -- but to the over one million American children who experience the divorce of their parents every year. I don't know how many children experience this in Oklahoma but each year we are either first or second in the nation when it comes to having the highest divorce rate. I love Oklahoma, but that is one thing about Oklahoma that I am not proud of. The divorce support programming also helps children from different family structures -- children who have grown up without a mom or dad at home, children whose parents never married, foster children, children who have lost a parent through death or children of an incarcerated parent. Programs like Banana Splits and Rainbows are for children who feel different because of their family structure and who want understand what is happening to their families, to learn how to deal with emotions in healthy ways, and to see tangibly that they are not alone.

Kids come to the groups to give and gain peer support. We address what is happening at home in non-threatening ways. For example, we don't ask children to talk about their home life (this is not therapy) but instead we discuss general issues that many children in the group face, such as visiting their non-custodial parent on the weekends, and how to handle and deal with the situations that are likely to come up in the new family structure. I'm not talking about counseling but instead a group that teaches children skills and attitudes that will help them with life after parental divorce.

I think that I conveyed my message with sincerity and passion. Many members in attendance approached me about starting a program and I'm thrilled that the interest is there. I've even had a couple of phone calls about starting pilot chapters for children of divorce across the state. It is my hope that we can turn sincere interest in helping children into real solutions and tangible help. We all see that they are hurting and that they need help, but we have ignored this problem for such a long time...it is natural to stay in our comfort zones and continue to hope we can help children without directly addressing these issues. But the way we handle that needs to change -- Adults, we must begin to do something about it! We have the power to help children if only we have the compassion and will to use it.

Please talk to the parents, educators, and other volunteers at your child's school, your church and favorite neighborhood family centers about helping children through divorce, or consider starting a chapter on your own. I will give you all of the information you need to get started! When you witness kids that you know reaping the benefits of this programming, you'll be glad you did!

July is the second annual National Child-Centered Divorce Month!

The following article was cut and paste from a google alert I received on children and divorce. As an advocate for children of divorce for five years now, I was surprised to find out just now that July is National Child-Centered Divorce Month. The goal is to protect children from post-divorce parental conflict, so that parents continue to work together to do what is best for their children, rather than putting their children in the middle and forcing their children to take sides. Although I have published it before, I am going to repost the Child of Divorce's Bill of Rights and the Child's Advice for Divorcing Parents in honor of this very special month. Children in a New York chapter of the Banana Splits program came up with this advice for parents.

If as an advocate for child of divorce I was not aware of this month's designation, it is clear to me that many, many others are unaware that July is National Child-Centered Divorce Month. I will do my best to promote this special month and it's purpose year-round, and I will also educate others about this special designation next year. For more information about child-centered divorce, go to www.ChildCenteredDivorce.com.

Bill Of Rights For Children Whose Parents Are Separated/Divorced
* The right not to be asked to "choose sides" between their parents.
* The right not to be told the details of bitter or nasty legal proceedings going on between their parents.
* The right not to be told "bad things" about the other parent's personality or character or behavior.
* The right to privacy when talking to either parent on the telephone.
* The right not to be cross-examined by one parent after visiting the other parent.
* The right not to be asked to be a messenger from one parent to the other.
* The right not to be asked by one parent to tell the other parent untruths.
* The right not to be used as a confidant regarding the legal proceedings between the parents.
* The right to express feelings, whatever these feelings may be.
* The right to choose not to express certain feelings.
* The right to be protected from parental warfare.
* The right not to be made to feel guilty for loving both parents.

Child's Advice for Divorcing Parents - Compiled by children in a NY based Banana Splits chapter with group facilitator, Dr. Jill Greenstein.
* Spend alone time with all your children.
* Tell the truth and don't break promises or lie.
* Don't fight, yell, etc. in front of your children -- it makes your children scared and worried.
* Help your children with their homework.
* Share important information with your children.
* Listen to your children and pay attention to them.
* Have patience with your children and try not to get too angry.
* When you're angry, try not to take it out on your children.
* Communicate your feelings.

Advice for Parents and the Bill of Rights were reprinted with permission from Jill Greenstein.

__________________________________________________________________
Child-Centered Divorce; Focuses on Kid’s Needs (article reprinted from an online press release)

Divorce can be particularly difficult for children whose parents announce suddenly that they are to split and in this nation of soaring divorce rates it’s no wonder that that topic is so widely discussed. Too often it seems, parents caught up in their own emotions, sense of loss or frustration, use their children as bargaining chips in a game of who is right or wrong; mom or dad. Children’s need should be put first however when going through such times to ensure that the child or children of a family going through transition realize that they are loved and that the divorce has nothing to do with anything they said or did.

July is National Child-Centered Divorce Month and will witness professionals from various fields coming together to share important parenting messages to help parents put their kid’s needs first when making decisions related to divorce or separation. Therapists, educators, attorneys, the clergy and even coaches will participate in this summer’s initiative, the second annual of its kind.

National Child-Centered Divorce Month was started by author and single parent Rosalind Sedacca to help create a positive parental structure for moving forward in the relationship realm while keeping the needs of the children involved in a split first and foremost. One of the most valuable parenting messages put forth is “Don’t Make Your Child a Pawn in Your Conflict.” Important messages to share with children include telling the child that none of it is their fault, both Mom and Dad still love them and always will, and that Mom and Dad are taking care of things with the child’s best interests in mind.

The statistics on divorce can be daunting yet outlets exist for making sure children’s needs are met. This July, and throughout the year, organizations and individuals are working to ensure that parents make the responsible decision to keep children out of their adult quarrels and differences of opinion and instead provide the love and caretaking children need to thrive.

Mrs. International 2008 in Times Square!

Here is a photo of the Jumbotron in Times Square where our new Mrs. International's crowning moment was displayed and Laine Berry's new title was announced! It was displayed several times over several days! The class of 2008 is so happy for you, Laine! Congratulations!

I'm home from Mrs. International!

I write this from my home computer, wearing comfy clothes, flip flops and no make-up. Oh, it feels so good! It feels good to be home. I feel so blessed to have had such a wonderful experience. My fellow contestants were just amazing and I just fell in love with some of them! Lifelong friendships began last week and for that I am truly grateful! I am hesitant to list names because I know I'll leave someone out, but my new girlfriends are wonderful. Everyone had a great attitude and a great spirit. My new friends are truly amazing and inspire me to do more and be more for my cause and my husband! I'm ready to get back to work here in Oklahoma -- and my first appearance upon my return will be the Oklahoma State PTA Convention. I'll be speaking with leadership from PTAs all over the state about advocacy for children of divorce and giving them contacts and information concerning who to reach to request divorce support programming at their schools and what they can do to help children of divorce. This is what being Mrs. Oklahoma is all about -- wish me luck!

But it has been an incredible week. It was exciting and wonderful and rewarding yet exhausting. We worked hard and played harder, and I'm thrilled and honored to announce that I was named 4th runner-up among an outstanding group of 47 incredible women!

Prelims went extraordinarily well on Friday. I had a great time on stage and I like to think I just shined because I was so in the moment. Bobby's presence made me feel loved and beautiful. It makes me so happy when I get to see him right before I walk for evening wear. Then, the worry and analysis area of my brain got a work out as I hoped and dreamed and wondered if I made the top 10. When I heard my name called, I was so surprised! Being a math person, I calculated that there was a 78.7 % chance that I would not make top ten, and knowing my fellow contestants and knowing the scoring system, I just wasn't sure that my stage presence and interviews had been enough. But it was enough! I was top ten contestant #5. I felt thrilled and honored and surprised and touched. In my nervous anticipation and tiredness after the long week, I think I did less than my best during the top ten competition, but I know that last night's performance was meant to be and I'm exactly where God wants me right now. I have so much room to grow and so much to do as Mrs. Oklahoma and with my Master's degree this year. God's plan is so much better than anything we could ever want or imagine for ourselves. I feel truly, truly blessed and I can't wait to do more right here in Oklahoma.

Laine Berry, Mrs. Southeast, took home the crown. Laine is warm and engaging and quite lovely. Laine and Brenda, who is Mrs. Colorado, and I sat together on the bus on Wednesday and enjoyed a great conversation about marriage, loss, and our missions and work with our chosen causes. I also enjoyed a lovely lunch with Laine, Mrs. Canada, Mrs. Maine, Mrs. North Dakota (my roomie, Angela -- I adore her!), and Shannon Devine at the Signature Room. Although there was a mix-up with the bill, it all worked out and we had a great time together discussing (almost) everything under the sun. I know Laine is going to do great things for Go Red and the Mrs. International organization during the coming year. I can just feel it. :)

The first runner-up was Mrs. Georgia, Meredith Boyd. Wow -- she is just a sweet, fun person and I loved spending time with her! When we first met, she immediately commented on the music on my blog! Fun, friendly and approachable -- I LOVE this lady! I'm so glad to have made a new friend in her.

The second runner-up was Patti Mercer. I forget what state she's from. But she is a fun, genuine, good-hearted lady too. I remember seeing her dancing in the wings from across the stage and just thinking that it looks like a party over there! Wherever she is, people have a good time. I'm so glad that the judges were able to see that and recognize that. I wish I had spent more time with her because I'd really like to get to know her better!

The third runner-up was Deanna Linz. What can I say? She is truly a class act. She was one of those that I didn't have the chance to really get to know, but every interaction with her was a great one. She does so much for military families and I am very grateful for her service and her husband's service for our country and this very important cause.

The rest of the top ten included Mrs. Tennessee (future Olympian! You have to love Tiffany Love! No pun intended LOL), Jessica Plante, Mrs. Mass (I loved her sarcasm -- she was so fun, real, and funny!), Mrs. NY, Lori Donaudy (also very cool), Joy Pfister (very much a sweetie), and Shannon Devine (I love this lady!! Very fun, cool, and classy! I'm glad we had the chance to get to know each other!!)

Honestly, going into this pageant, I worried about cattiness, mind games...you never know in pageantry what it's going to be like...especially at this level. But each of the women had inner beauty and character to match their outer beauty. We had a BLAST dancing at the coronation ball, and another cool thing -- I won $250 as the fourth runner-up! Tammy McDonald, Mrs. US International 2007, and her husband, donated thousands in scholarships for Laine and her court. I feel honored and blessed and grateful to have been among them.

...Now it's time to get back to work! I have papers to grade and a final exam to write for my calculus students this week. I also have to finish the Parent Tip Sheets for the Oklahoma PTA appearance next weekend. I'm going to reach so many people, and working together we're going to touch so many lives. I would have loved to have been Mrs. International, but winning a crown and a title isn't what this is about for me. This is about doing this work, making this difference, helping children of divorce and raising awareness for the needs of kids that are often forgotten. It is so rewarding and I am inspired by my fellow contestants to do more and be more to become the best Mrs. Oklahoma I can be!

I would like to thank everyone, especially my amazing husband Bobby, my director Lauri Rottmayer, and her husband and son David and Geoff, my amazing mom-in-law Ada, my mom, Glenda, Auntie Queenie and Uncle Glenn, my sister queens Megan and Brooke, and all of my fellow contestants for all of their support, encouragement, kindness and fun times this week. I couldn't have done it without you! I'd name all of my new friends from the pageant, but I fear starting that because I might leave out someone very special. Please know that I love you all and definitely want to keep in touch!

God bless you and your missions to help your communities! This isn't about us, but about showing God's love to others by doing amazing work for His children!
Sincerely and with my whole heart,
For His kids and His glory always,
Sasha

PS - For pictures from the pageant, go to www.themrsoklahomapageant.blogspot.com.

The Mrs. International Pageant ~ Interview Day!

Dear friends and family,
The last few days have been exhausting and wonderful, rewarding and life-enriching. My roommate Mrs. North Dakota is an absolute sweetheart and we have become great friends! I've also been getting along well with all of the contestants and staff -- no matter what happens on Saturday night, I am so grateful to have been afforded this experience! There have been a few moments when I've laughed a bit too loud or said something a little too honest (concerning our fitness wear, for example, yikes!), but I'm being true to myself and having a great time. I have had the opportunity to share my platform with several of the other ladies and I know that just getting the word out about this platform, the need for divorce support programming for youth and our ability as adults to do something about it is a step in the right direction. I have shared my message with a wider audience and in that sense, I have already succeeded this week!

Interviews were this morning and the judges were wonderful. All of them asked very relevant, important questions and I think the new Mrs. International will be the best person for the job. My platform is so important to me, and I think I conveyed my passion and vision with honesty and sincerity this morning. Please pray for peace for me as I compete tomorrow night!

Well, I better get going! We have a lot to do! Bobby arrives from Tulsa at 2:3o this afternoon and I will have the opportunity to spend a few moments with him before rehearsal -- which I'm really, really looking forward to! I have missed him so much! He is my rock, my best friend, and my greatest inspiration. Seeing him tonight will help me to feel comfortable and confident, and to see myself as he sees me. I love being Mrs. Oklahoma, but even more than that, I love being Mrs. Bobby Townsend. Wish me luck!

If you'd like to see pictures from this week's events, go to the Mrs. Oklahoma Pageant blog.

Sincerely,
Sasha MPT
Mrs. Oklahoma International 2008

TFTJ has published my article!

Turn for the Judges published my article "You're No Better Than Anybody Else, But You're Just as Good", or "A Lesson from Grandma" today.

The article is written with the women in pageantry in mind, and it talks about the battle that women in pageantry face between being self-confident and being humble as we deal with the possible emotional roller-coaster that comes through competing in pageantry and placing (or not placing) throughout our pageant careers. It's inspired by a quote from my grandmother. Please check it out and let me know what you think!

The article can be found under "editorials." You'll have to subscribe to TFTJ Cafe to read it. You'll have access to all of the TFTJ pageant-related articles for $20 per year. To subscribe and then read my article, go to www.tftj.com. I learned a lot from Grandma Platt. She was a strong, intelligent, kind woman and she lived her values every day. I hope you enjoy it!

New Oklahoma Marriage Initiative Ads

If you are a man who talks like these two, you need to attend an OMI workshop as soon as possible! LOL
Mocking

And here's another one! These are so funny. We all need to learn to be better partners for our mates!
Plans for the Weekend

Three interviews in two days! Whew!

Hi everyone! I've had an eventful couple of days! I had an interview for the TCC school paper yesterday and two radio interviews this morning. Yesterday I administered exam 3 for my calc I students, and immediately thereafter I had an interview with the TCC Connection. They interviewed me about the Banana Splits program and advocacy for children of divorce, and they also asked some fun questions -- my favorite (not-good-for-me) food, my most embarrassing moment, and many others! The issue comes out next week! I can't wait to read it!
Then this morning, I had a scheduled interview on 92.9 KBEZ with hosts Steve Smith and Samantha Matthews. I love Steve's cheesey sense of humor and Samantha was fun and down-to-earth. We had a blast, talked about my platform, talked about the upcoming Mrs. International pageant, and then once the microphones were off we solved a challenging combinatorics problem! So much fun! (I'm a nerd -- I know! -- I embrace my nerddom!) Combinatorics is just a fancy word for counting, by the way! The question was this:

Seven children are on a bus and each have seven backpacks. In their seven backpacks are seven large cats, and each of the seven cats has seven baby kittens. How many legs are there on the bus? (And no, it's not a trick question -- you don't have to worry about the bus driver or any of that!) If you think you know the answer, let me know, and I'll let you know if you got it right!

Steve's wife, Audrey, who is a paraprofessional for one of our TPS middle schools, also called while I was in the studio and expressed an interest in starting a Banana Splits chapter at the middle school where she works. The Mrs. Oklahoma title really is helping me to reach a wider audience for children of divorce. We are opening so many doors, and we are going to help so many children! Regardless of what happens next week, this is what being Mrs. Oklahoma is all about! Use the player below to listen to my KBEZ interview.


Then, as I was leaving the lobby, Justin the Intern from K-HITS caught me and asked me if I wanted to be on K-HITS this morning, on their "Wylde WakeUp Show" - with host Scotty Wylde, Lindsey Bauer, and Justin the Intern. FYI, K-HITS is Tulsa's hit music station. They play a lot of hip hop and pop music. They are young and fresh and fun, and I loved talking with them. Scotty emphasized my advocacy for children of divorce and my work with OMI, and then they asked about my opinion on what what going on in poor Miss South Carolina Teen USA's head when she answered the infamous maps question last year. Then they asked me for my answer to the question. I said, "Obviously there is a problem in our public schools." "Short and sweet!" Lindsey said, "I like that!"

After our first segment, a woman called and asked about relationship education because she heard us talking about the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative and it's programs on the show. We helped at least ONE couple learn about being great partners for each other and that makes me VERY happy! We're strengthening families and relationships and my year has only just begun! I also think it was great experience because as Mrs. Oklahoma and Mrs. International, a young woman has be able to get her point of view across to diverse audiences. It was interesting going from the easy listening station to the hip hop/pop station. The funny thing is, I'm so eclectic -- I listen to both stations all the time! Both have programmed buttons in my car. :) It was an honor being on and I look forward to getting the word out more about helping children of divorce by implementing divorce support programming for kids. If you listened today, thanks for listening! It means a lot to me!

If anyone else would like to contact me about Banana Splits or the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative, and if you didn't get a chance to call in and are somehow reading my blog now, please email me at MrsOklahoma2008@gmail.com. I'm only one person, and there is only so much one person can do alone, but with your help, we can help many, many children of divorce! Thank you for your interest!

This is what it's all about! ~ Exciting News for Banana Splits

Today I spoke with Tenna Whistler, director of counseling, for Tulsa public schools about implementing the Banana Splits program for the 2008-2009 school year. Now, I don't want to count our chickens, but she let me know that we have three possible sites for the new school year. I will be meeting with school counselors this August about the nuts and bolts of starting new chapters. The Mrs. Oklahoma title has opened so many doors and I feel very confident and optimistic about the gains we will make for children of divorce this year!

Tenna, if you read this, thank you so much for your support, effort, and enthusiasm in getting this project started! We are going to help so many kids!

Thank you, Tulsa Cosmetic Dental Center!

I want to thank Dr. Cha and his team at the Tulsa Cosmetic Dental Center for sponsoring our pageant. As Mrs. Oklahoma, I won a free in-office power whitening, whitening trays molded to my teeth, and an at-home whitening set. My teeth are already two shades lighter! Here is the picture we took in Dr. Cha's office. I love the way my smile looks after my first in-office treatment, and I am only getting started! I also want to thank my clinician Tricia for the excellent job she did. I felt completely comfortable and pampered. Everyone should go to Tulsa Cosmetic Dental Center!

The New Social Stigma Surrounding Divorce

I opened my email this morning to find a recent article from the Telegraph news publication in Britain with the headline, Divorce still damaging to children despite being more acceptable. Please click on the link to read the article. Today divorce is common. No one likes divorce, but we empathize with those going through it -- and hope it never happens to our families. We console divorcing adults by saying, "Divorce is so common these days. It's a normal part of growing up." They take solace in the conclusion of friends, even doctors, and clergy, who often tell them, "Children are resilient." "They'll bounce back."

But they don't always bounce back. The pain of parental divorce does not go away. Grief does not take care of itself, without first moving through healing. Only after healing can children move forward to realize their potential and the possibilities of life. Children of divorce need support services but as a community, we have done little to help them.

Part of my mission as Mrs. Oklahoma to share this fact: The fact that divorce is common does not make it any easier for our children. Ask anyone who has suffered a debilitating disease if the fact that millions of others have experienced the same disease makes the disease "normal" or easier to cope with. Where at one time the stigma surrounding divorce prevented divorces from occurring, today the social climate has shifted: divorce may occur but we don't talk about the stigma. Divorces may be necessary for some families, but instead of addressing related issues and backlash that stem from family break-up, we ignore those issues, hoping they will just go away on their own.

The article is wonderful because it shares an important fact that most people do not recognize. Research has shown that a decrease in social stigma surrounding divorce has not made it any easier on children. In fact, I'd say that the new divorce culture tends to isolate children, making it more difficult for them to grieve the loss of their intact families, making it more likely that children will try to 'cope' on their own and choose unhealthy, destructive so-called 'coping mechanisms.'

I have my work cut out for me as an advocate for children of divorce. There is no national or international organization that focuses on family crises and offers a variety of emotional and financial supports for families in transition. While there are many organizations with a similar vision, they implement specific programs. There is no organization that simply advocates for children in crises and works with all possible organizations to find help for children wherever and whatever their needs are. I believe it is because of this new social stigma - the stigma making the aftermath of divorce a taboo subject - that we have done little to help our most vulnerable people and most valuable assets, our nation's children.

I hope you will join me in my efforts, by reaching out to children of divorce in your community, providing age-appropriate guidance, promoting understanding, acceptance, grief and rebuilding, and establishing divorce support programming for youth, such as the cost-effective, time-effective Banana Splits program. It only requires a $50 licensing fee to start a chapter plus a little ground work on the part of volunteers, and soon children are receiving the support they need to overcome this difficult transition. It's going to be a long process and I'm in this for the long-haul. It all begins with awareness of the problem, acceptance of the responsibility to care for youth, and action. There is a problem facing our nation's youth. Adults, we are the solution! We have the power to help young people if we choose to accept the challenge. It is encouraging to read about recent research that will help us overcome the new social stigma surrounding divorce.

Another article on the same topic: Divorce Still Damaging for Kids

OMI Thriving Marriages Retreat for Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

The Oklahoma Marriage Initiative is hosting a special retreat for married grandparents raising their grandchildren in Guthrie, OK on July 26-27, 2008. This retreat is a wonderful opportunity for grandparents to:

• spend time enriching their marriage while spending quality time together,
• meet other grandparents raising their grandchildren, and
• learn about valuable resources for their family

The best news of all is that the entire retreat is free of charge including meals and lodging! While every family is unique, grandparents raising grandchildren face many common challenges that our workshop will help you to address as a team. Children do not attend but money is available to help with childcare expenses. For additional information or to register call (405) 848-2171 or go online to www.registernow123.com.

To download the retreat brochure go to:
www.yourthrivingmarriage.com/GRG/brochure.pdf

If you are not a grandparent raising their grandchild, send this to someone you know! For more information for grandparents raising grandchildren, visit www.raisingyourgrandchildren.com.

Congratulations, Jenny & Gary Sung! ~ Deciding to Marry vs. Sliding into Marriage

As I typed the title of this post, at first I thought I ought to clarify that this is not pageant-related, but instead an important and special event in my cousin's life and for our family -- but then it came to me immediately that this is what my mission as Mrs. Oklahoma is about: lasting love; a satisfying, wonderful marriage; the beginning of a wonderful new life together and a beautiful new family for my cousin, formerly Jennifer Lee Bowers, and her new husband, Gary Lei Sung. Bobby and I just got back from our trip. We were only gone from two days, but we made the trip to Syracuse, NY to see one of my favorite people in the world get married.

The wedding was beautiful and romantic. It was elegant, classy, and fun yet formal. It reflected Jenny & Gary perfectly and wonderfully. The maid of honor Dana Lyons said in her speech, "When something is meant to be, you just know it," and Gary's little brother David talked about his love and respect for his older brother and how he (David) knew that there was something special about Jenny when Gary came to him for advice for a change. Gary is a likeable guy. He's good-natured, laid back, open-minded and handsome. I've looked up to my cousin Jenny since we were kids -- she stands up for what she believes in, she's funny and fun without making fun of people, and she's beautiful on the outside and on the inside, where it really counts. Jenny has always had a strength of character that I admire and strive to emulate. I see the same qualities in Gary. In listening to his little brother talk about him, I felt even more that this match was meant to be. Jenny, if you read this, I want you to know that you were a beautiful bride -- the reception was lovely and your doggie Panda coming down the aisle was adorable and refreshing! I'm so happy for you both and I love you! Your ceremony was beautiful and romantic, and a beautiful beginning to your new life together. I know I keep saying beautiful -- but it is the word that keeps coming to mind, because it truly was beautiful in every sense of the word. You two have to visit Tulsa sometime soon! Love you cousin!

Another thing that struck me was Jenny and Gary's nervousness. In talking with them, neither expressed any nervousness about the marriage, but the public walk down the aisle and speaking before a large group of friends and family made them both a little anxious. Apparently, there was also something wrong with the microphone. We weren't able to hear most of the ceremony, but Jenny and Gary did. Their officiant spoke just to them. And they said their vows for each other, and not anyone else. I think the fact that it was so much more private in this way made it even more beautiful.

When we marry, we must do it just for us. People should not choose to marry because it seems to be the logical next step in a long relationship, nor should they marry because of social pressure to marry. We must choose our partners. We must decide that we want to spend the rest of our lives with each other. That requires some maturity and knowledge of oneself -- so that you can decide who you want to be with, as your lover, friend, partner and companion, for life. So many people today slide into the decision to get married. They'll save money on rent so they move in together. Then they live together for a while, and feel like it might be time to get married. But they never really choose each other. So many couples end up divorced because of lack of this conscious choice and decision to be with their partners for life. Often, young teens get married for the wrong reasons. Many children of divorce get married to fill a void, to prove to themselves that someone really loves them. Others get married because of social pressure from religious institutions. They say that love each other when really they lust after each other. They get married in order to conform to social norms, only to find that sex and lust are not a solid foundation for a lasting love. Marriage requires mutual respect, friendship, compromise, and the ability and willingness to act lovingly when we don't feel like acting lovingly. I chose Bobby on September 7, 2005 when he asked me to marry him, and I said yes. I choose to love Bobby every day. I choose to care for him, love him, support him, and cherish him, just as he does for me. He's a wonderful, good, generous man and I love, respect and admire him. That is now what Jenny and Gary have. :)

Congratulations to both of you!

I will post pictures as soon as we upload them! I'm exhausted from our trip. I'll write again soon!

The Pervasive Need: Statistics on the Effects of Divorce on Children

Children of divorce deserve our attention and are in need of support services. Research has shown that children of divorce are more likely to divorce themselves, more likely to have emotional and behavioral problems, more likely to struggle in school, join gangs, drop out of school, and exhibit a host of other problems and tendencies. The Rainbows International program website lists these behavioral statistics regarding children from changing families:

• 75% of teen pregnancies occur in adolescents from single parent homes. (From Healing the Hurt, Restoring the Hope, by Suzy Yehl Marta)
  
• 75% of children/adolescents in chemical dependency hospitals are from single-parent families. (Center for Disease Control, Atlanta, GA)
• 1 out of 5 children have a learning, emotional, or behavioral problem due to the family system changing. (National Center for Health Statistics)
• More than one half of all youths incarcerated for criminal acts lived in one-parent families when they were children. (Children's Defense Fund)
• Nine million American children face risk factors that may hinder their ability to become healthy and productive adults. One in seven children deal with at least four of the risk factors, which include growing up in a single-parent household...The survey also indicated that children confronting several risk factors are more likely to experience problems with concentration, communication, and health. (1999 Kids Count Survey - Annie E. Casey Foundation)
• 63% of suicides are individuals from single parent families (FBI Law Enforcement Bulletin - Investigative Aid)

These statistics are startling, but they are no more startling than the personal stories I hear from children about what is happening in their homes and their personal struggles to deal with their home life, without the help of any other children or adults. Uncomfortable talking to their parents and embarrassed to talk to their peers, children of divorce deal with the emotional aftermath of divorce, essentially, alone. I remember a little girl looking up at me, and she asked, “If something happens to my mommy, will you take care of me?” Knowing what I knew about the struggles her family was experiencing, as my heart was breaking for her, it became very clear that things need to change. We may not be able to help every child, but I desperately wanted to help the little girl in front of me, and the many, many other children in the same situation. I want to help as many children as I can. With over one million American children experiencing the divorce of their parents every year, I know that we have a lot of work to do.

In reading all of these statistics, you may think of many counter-examples. There are many young people who grow up in single-parent homes who thrive in adulthood. They use the obstacles that life has thrown at them as opportunities to grow, opportunities to develop personal strength. This does not mean that the difficult divorce and post-divorce transitions are any easier for these children – instead, they have learned to cope in a healthier way than many of their peers.

My goals are to help all children cope in healthier ways, to help children meet their potential, and to help them dream big dreams and live to see them realized. I want children to grow into adults that live extraordinary lives of purpose, service, and hope. But in order to do this, we must face the reality that children of divorce do deserve our attention. They do need our help. It is a first step in understanding their needs. A child at a divorce support group drew the following picture about what divorce feels like.

Once we understand that children of divorce need our help, it is time to take action to stand up for our most vulnerable citizens – those children and youth who cannot stand up for themselves. Thank you so much for reading my blog and joining the effort to help as many children and families as possible. If you'd like to be a part of this cause, please befriend the Banana Splits program on myspace. It is a part of my effort to spread awareness and disseminate information and calls to action important to our cause. I will post again soon about other ways that YOU can help children of divorce in your community. Thank you again! ~SMPT